COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins told his audience today that he had the “time of [his] life” at a family reunion he attended last weekend. Bohiggins also announced that he had gotten married that same weekend, at the same event, which he said “took the whole family reunion thing over the top.”
“Family reunion’s are always a hoot for the Bohiggins clan, let me tell you what,” Jethro told his audience. “In fact, around these parts our clan’s rallies are quite legendary. Ain’t no one had a better time at a clan rally than at a Bohiggins clan rally! We really rally real well, really!”
Initially, Jethro says he went to the reunion just intent on “having a good time and slamming multiple PBRs” with his family members. But, something happened when he arrived that he says “changed the course” of his life forever. He fell madly in love at first sight.
“Well, to be fair it weren’t the first time I laid eyes on Becky,” Jethro explained, “but she’s definitely grown up since her dad, my brother and cousin, sent me her graduation notice from elementary school. See, around these parts most people stop going to school by the fifth grade, on account of not wanting to expose them-selfs to no libtard indoctrination. So when my eye caught Becky when I first arrived, it was like I hadn’t seen her before! She was, and I’m not kidding here, way hotter than any other 14 year old I’ve met!”
It wasn’t long before the conversation between Jethro and his cousin Becky turned romantic. Jethro says that he was “delighted and surprised” to find out how much he had in common with someone so much younger than he is.
“As it turns out, my MAGA brain and her 14 year old brain operate on pretty much the exact same wavelength,” Bohiggins told his audience. “Now, you tell me if that’s not a sign that things were meant to be, fam!”
Within hours, Jethro says that he and Becky had “falled madly and totally in love with each other” and that they knew they wanted to affirm their love before God and their family.
“It was nice that my best man, brother, uncle, and dad could all be there to celebrate with us, and of course it was convenient for them to all be the same person,” Bohiggins said. “That’s true Republican family values, too, fam!”
Jethro says he and his new wife were “very pleased” with the gifts they received for their nuptials.
“My father-and-brother-and-uncle-and-grandfather-in-law gave us his and her matching white robes and hoods! And my mama paid to send us on our honeymoon to Florida to visit the Southern White House at Mar-A-Lago,” Bohiggins said. “Of course, we can’t go cuz technically that’s me driving a minor across state lines for sex purposes, but we’ll figure something out, y’all.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”