Celebrity Chef E. Schrödinger’s New Restaurant Is Now Open..Or Is It?

RIO DE LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA — World renowned Austrian Chef E. Schrödinger’s new restaurant has officially opened its doors and is taking reservations…or are they? The mystery surrounding whether or not Unbestätigte Katze, Schrödinger’s new eatery is open for business has been a daunting one for the people in its neighborhood that have been dying to try Chef Schrödinger’s world famous cuisine since it was announced he was building Katze in 2016.

“All we’re trying to ascertain at this point is whether or not Katze is open to the public,” Mayor Cam Beagleton told local reporters today. “Some people are saying for sure it’s open, and others are saying for sure it’s not, but it seems to me that unless you go down there and check for yourself, you might never know if it’s open or not.”

For his part, Chef Schrödinger has been quite mum about the status of his newest restaurant.

“Look, that’s not what Katze is about, man, okay? It’s a true culinary existential experiment,” Schrödinger told Food & Beverage Quarterly recently. “I understand everyone’s anxiousness. But all will be be understood soon. Or will it be?”

Schrödinger said that anyone who is curious can just go down to where they think the restaurant is supposed to be and check it out for themselves.

“We encourage everyone to come down and see for themselves. Maybe it’s open, maybe it’s not, but if it is open, you wouldn’t know until you got here,” Schrödinger admitted, “and then again, you wouldn’t know it was closed for sure either…not until you made it down here.”

Not only is there mystery surrounding whether or not Katze is open yet, there seems to be growing rumor and rampant speculation about the menu as well.

“Everyone keeps asking me if one signature dish or another will be on the menu,” Schrödinger said recently, “and the reality is that the menu may not even be set until they walk in through that door. After all, how do they know I was going to be serving mashed potato and lamb liver crisps over a bed of wild mushrooms and a healthy dollop of LSD until they got here? Maybe I wasn’t going to serve that unless they booked a reservation…how would they know?”

Another Story: McDonald’s Unveils New “McFuckIt” Burger For Customers Who Just Don’t Care Anymore


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.