WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many Americans might presume that President Donald Trump is the first, and only, man to occupy the Oval Office that has given an official opinion on who he would or would not rape. Those Americans are all incorrect, however, according to historian John Barron of the Totally Real History Society of America and The United States.
“You’d be surprised how many presidents actually had official rape types,” Barron told us via a phone call today. “Pretty much all of our favorite presidents throughout time had a rape type, but the FAKE NEWS PRESS won’t tell you about them. It’s in the Official Presidential Handbook that every incoming president is given once they are sworn into office. For reals. Why would I lie about this? I’m a very real, very honest, bigly important historical scholar or something.”
The history of presidential rape types is murky. We know for a fact that President Thomas Jefferson definitely had a rape type, and he called her, “Sally Hemmings.” It’s widely speculated that President Andrew Jackson liked to rape sheep, and President Chester A. Arthur famously wrote a book about who he’d rape if given the chance. However, the actual registration of presidential rape types was kept largely a secret for most of the country’s history. That is, of course, until President Trump took office and continued his streak of throwing out traditional norms.
“This president deserves all the credit for all things,” Barron told us, “but he particularly deserves credit for being brave enough to admit he has a type that he’d rape, and more importantly, for making it very clear who he would or would not rape. Guessing about presidential rape proclivities used to be something we had to do, but now we can simply check the Presidential Rape Type archive, and find out what every president’s rape type is.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who will be resigning from the administration in just a few days’ time, told reporters on the White House lawn today that Mr. Trump has officially registered his Presidential Rape Type with the national archives.
“The president is very pleased to announce that he has finally settled on his official Presidential Rape Type,” Huckabee Sanders said, nacho cheese still dripping from her chin. “The American people deserve a president who is unafraid to boldly stake out the boundaries of his hypothetical rape. They got that president in the name of Donald J. Trump.”
Huckabee Sanders says Trump is “very brave” for ending all the speculation about just who he would rape.
“It’s one thing to say someone isn’t your type to rape, but it takes true leadership and courage to define who would rape if you could,” Huckabee Sanders said. “Up until this point, we knew the president would grab any pussy he’d like, but after today, we have a much clearer picture of what the pussies he’d grab would actually look like.”
Reached for comment, Senator Lindsey Graham said he was “shocked, outraged, and completely upset” by the new development, but said he had no intentions of doing anything about it.
“I want war with Iran. I want a Christian theocracy in our courts,” Graham said, “and Trump is delivering on that. If he has to burn a few things to the ground and declare a rape type for me to get those things, well, then I guess color me pro-presidential rape types? I don’t know. I feel weird, but John McCain’s not here to remind me I don’t have to mouth-off the president if I don’t want to, so if you’ll excuse me, I have a toadstool to gently rest on my lower lip.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.