LAKE CRISE CONSTITUTIONNELLE, MICHIGAN — A new, fast moving and particularly aggressive form of rectal cancer has been discovered by researchers at Northwest Eastern University in Michigan. The strain has been officially named in “honor” of U.S. Attorney General William Barr.
“All forms of rectal cancer can of course cause enormous pain, but this new William Barr strain of it is particularly painful,” Dr. Katherine Skideux told reporters at a press conference announcing the findings this morning. “I can say without any hesitation that William Barr is a cancer no one wants in their lives.”
William Barr is a particularly strong form of rectal cancer, Dr. Skideux says.
“William Barr will eat up everything from the asshole backward,” Skideux reported. “The strain is unrelenting. It has no regard for what the rest of the body needs. It simply devours the host organism.”
Dr. Skideux says that William Barr exhibits traits and behaviors never before seen in human cancers.
“The really crazy part is it smiles smugly while killing everything around it,” Dr. Skideux said. “I’ve never seen cancer smile, let alone seeing it smile in such a self-satisfied, arrogant way. It’s really quite breathtaking.”
It’s unknown how many people have the William Barr strain of rectal cancer, Skideux says. She and her team are working hard to identify as many patients as possible. However, Dr. Skideux thinks William Barr poses such an existential threat to humanity that it won’t be long until they’ll have plenty of test subjects to choose from.
“As far as we can tell, the only cancer strain that’s worse is the Dinesh D’Souza pee-pee hole cancer,” Skideux said. “But the Laura Ingraham testicular and Sean Hannity taint cancers are no walk in the park either.”
William Barr rectal cancer is “particularly callous” and “exceedingly arrogant,” Skideux says.
“I’d never seen cancer that was proud to be cancer until I met William Barr,” Skideux said. “This is a cancer that seems to get off on being as carcinogenic as it can be.”
Dr. Skideux isn’t worried about Barr’s reaction to having a strain of cancer named after him.
“People already thought of ass cancer when they thought of William Barr, so this shouldn’t bother him too much,” Dr. Skideux said hopefully. “Then again, you never can tell with ass cancers, can you?”
So why did they name the new form of rectal cancer after the current attorney general? Dr. Skideux laughed extremely hard when asked and gave a short, one word answer.
“Duh,” Dr. Skideux said, exaggerating every bit of the word she could.
Treatments for William Barr rectal cancer are still in the experimental phase, but Dr. Skideux hopes that in time they will be developed.
“The medical community first saw William Barr rectal cancer in the 1980’s, and then it seemed to all but vanish for a couple of decades,” Dr. Skideux explained. “Boy would I love to slap the bastard who brought William Barr rectal cancer roaring back into all our lives, because it’s going to be gnarly and messy cleaning up after all the damage William Barr does to our collective sphincters.”
For more information on William Barr rectal cancer, visit authoritariancancersociety.org.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.