COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster, YouTuber, and country music singer-songwriter Jethro Bohiggins doesn’t think Americans “should care one lickin’ hoot” about whether or not migrant children separated from their parents have toothbrushes or the ability to bathe.
“Hygiene is an invention of the liberal intelligentsia, fam, and don’t let anyone tell you any different,” Bohiggins yelled at his audience today. “What are liberals in this country implying, anyway? That certain brown-skinned children are too good for good ol’ fashioned American head lice?!”
Bohiggins says he has “as big a heart as conservatism lets one have,” and that he “even feels a tiny bit sorry for the babies who were just along for the ride,” but his compassion only goes so far. Jethro told his audience that it “does no good to be a cuck, just because you don’t want to be complicit in human rights violations and soft genocide.”
“You know, the only people who say you should brush your teeth are dentists, but they all graduated from colleges and we all know colleges are just libtard indoctrination centers,” Bohiggins insisted. “So, no, fam, it would not surprise me one damn iota to find out they’re all just jack booted government thugs, pushing Big Dental on us!”
Jethro estimates he bathes about once every seven weeks and brushes his teeth tri-monthly, on a quarter system.
“And let me tell you what, the ladies don’t mind. We get told all the time how women-folk like their men all clean and nice smelling,” Bohiggins said, “but I’ve asked every lady I know. And you know what they all tell me? Hygiene don’t matter! They all tell me that, and I’ve never known one of my cousins or sisters to lie! Our mama and daddy taught us never to lie unless it was to ourselves about how great a job a Republican president is doing!”
He might only have about two-thirds of the teeth an average adult male has, but Jethro says that there are advantages to such a scenario.
“I get so much less food stuck in my teeth than most of your libtarded libs who go to the dentist,” Jethro said. “And no one can spit tobacco juice as far as I can, thanks to the special a-row-die-nam-icks my gaps create. Maybe if these kidnapped brown babies would look at things from a little different perspective, they’d see the light of day and realize the Trump administration is doing them a favor by depriving them of sleep and basic hygiene, is all I’m saying.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.