WILLIAMSPORT, PENNSYLVANIA — Citing a “brand new, previously unforeseen need in the market,” Shop-Vac will be building new manufacturing plants in Georgia, Alabama, Missouri, and Ohio. It’s even being suggested that plants could also be built in more states, should they opening in the market persist.
“We foresee a lot of young girls and women needing the use of a Shop-Vac in their near future,” Shop-Vac Executive Junior Media Contact Skip Johnson told investors in a conference call this morning. “In fact, the spate of new anti-abortion laws has made us seriously deliberate opening up new revenue streams, and we’re looking at what it would cost to get into the wire coat hanger and/or bleach manufacturing industries.”
Johnson said that initially Shop-Vac considered just adding a new plant in Alabama, but when three more states pushed through their own versions of similar restrictions, they knew it was only a matter of time until the demand for their heavy duty wet/dry vacuums was too much for their current manufacturing capacity. While it’s unclear how many new units they can expect to sell, Johnson says there will “undoubtedly be an explosion in the vacuum market” that they want to be positioned to take advantage of.
“Christian Sharia law is really good for our bottom line, that’s for sure,” Johnson said.
Mr. Johnson said the new plants will also be turning out specially-designed attachments for their entire line of vacuums. There will even be a few special, red state exclusive new models designed and put on the market as well.
“Depending on the lady’s special area, we may need an attachment that’s wider, narrower, you name it, than the standard attachments,” Johnson said. “So we’ve got an opportunity to really fine-tune our products. There’ll even be a Lady Shop-Vac that’ll automatically separate the stem cells from the fetal tissue, allowing customers to re-sell their aborted fetuses on the Planned Parenthood Black Market Baby Part exchange, thereby reducing the cost, overall, of their new vacuum.”
To celebrate the new construction of the new plants, all Shop-Vacs produced at the new plants will have special pricing.
“We’ll price the Shop-Vacs in 1955 dollars, since that’s the time period the laws best reflect,” Johnson said. “We can see a future with Shop-Vacs at every family reunion south of the Mason-Dixon Line for the foreseeable future.”
Johnson says that Shop-Vac is a little worried about blowback from conservative customers, but not too worried.
“Any Republican upset by this news can sleep soundly knowing it’s the hand of the free market at work,” Johnson said, winking. “So it’s just as good as God himself giving a thumbs-up to these new plants, really. Besides, they should understand that making something illegal doesn’t stop people from obtaining it, you know, like guns. So at least we’re making sure the highest quality vacuums are used in home abortions throughout the Bible belt.”
Reached for comment, President Donald Trump welcomed news of the new plants, even though he said he’s “very pro-life now.”
“Look, I’ve paid for a lot of abortions in my time, and I didn’t pay for the one I should have. But, hey, Don Jr.’s not so bad I guess, for a complete and total fucking idiot,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today. “I sure wish Shop-Vac wasn’t having to build the plants to meet the demand for abortions that will still absolutely be done in those states, but then again, new manufacturing plants makes my — excuse me, OUR — economy stronger, so YOLO!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.