WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, as a lot of the country celebrates Mother’s Day, President Donald Trump chose to send all the mothers in his life a gift. But one mother in particular got the most extravagant, expensive, and lavish gift out of them all. Trump called this woman the “special MILF” in his life.
“I just can’t help spoiling her,” Trump said, “because she’s so talented, and she’s so gorgeous. So hot. She’s really quite the special MILF in my life that makes it all happen.”
The gift Trump sent was loaded with things he hoped would express his “truest, deepest, and most turgid feelings” for the recipient. It included fine chocolates imported from all over the world, which the president was able to procure using the power of his office. Trump reminded everyone that is not a conflict of interest, however.
“Because I’m not really conflicted or very interested by it,” Trump explained.
The gift also included several gift cards to places like Victoria’s Secret and other purveyors of lingerie.
“You have to help the mothers in your life still feel their absolute sexiest,” Trump told reporters when asked about the gift on his morning run to Dunkin’ Donuts, “because they don’t stop being sexy, vivacious, blonde bombshell sexy-ass women just because they’re mothers…or your offspring, or whatever, guys.”
Included in the gift was a hand-written card. The card was provided to the press pool, and has been reprinted in its entirety, below.
To the Most Special MILF In My Incredible Life:
I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you so much for all you do for and to me. I wouldn’t be here with you. And your constant, unwavering support gets me through the day. I cannot imagine what life would be like without you by my side, never challenging me on my batshit crazy ideas and conspiracy theories I tweet out. I have loved you since I laid eyes on you.
You are the most talented, gorgeous, sexy mother in my life. And I swear to God, if I wasn’t your father, Ivanka, the things I’d do to you are bigly illegal in most states. Of course, what I want to do with you right now is illegal in all fifty states already, so…Anyway, see you soon, Sweet Tits!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.