In a rather unforeseen twist, God and the Internal Revenue Service have issued a joint press release this morning. The press release comes in the wake of a bombshell report in The New York Times story that documented ten years of President Donald Trump’s tax filings from the years 1985-1994. The Times story indicates historic losses for Mr. Trump in that time period, over $1 billion.
The numbers show that in 1985, Mr. Trump reported losses of $46.1 million from his core businesses — largely casinos, hotels and retail space in apartment buildings. They continued to lose money every year, totaling $1.17 billion in losses for the decade. (The Failing New York Times)
Many have speculated whether the details that have emerged would constitute a scheme that rises to the level of tax fraud, however the IRS and God did not address those issues. Instead, their statement sought to only “confirm some basic facts” about Trump, which they say they are in a unique position to do. The IRS wrote that they were able to comment on Trump’s financial and tax situation, now that ten years’ worth of returns have been reported publicly.
Larry “God” Schumway, CEO and Chairman of Holy Trinity Inc., the afterlife’s leading timeshare resort holding company, decided to join the IRS in making a joint statement after reading the New York Times story, he’d later tell heavenly reporters. God noticed that he could “make a comparison” between Trump’s finances and his Christian faith. That’s when he reached out to the IRS and asked if he could “tack-on” to their letter. The IRS agreed, seeing as he is, technically, God and all.
We have chosen to reprint the statement from God and the IRS, below.
To Whom It May Concern,
After reading the recent report in The New York Times entitled, “Decade in the Red: Trump Tax Figures Show Over $1 Billion in Business Losses,” we, the Internal Revenue Service and Larry “God” Schumway can now publicly divulge things about the President of The United States of America, Donald J. Trump. What we will divulge has been largely well-known by all the undersigned parties, and frankly apparent to anyone who has remotely paid attention to Mr. Trump throughout his life, and read the unbiased reporting about his business dealings that have come out for the last two years.
However, the IRS, for example, simply couldn’t comment on his financial situation until now, because we didn’t want to risk looking politically motivated. The same goes for God’s reasons for not commenting on these situations before. However, God would like it stated that he “truly and will not ever give a shit” about Earthly politics. All that being said, we, the IRS and God, can confirm the following:
-Donald Trump is as equally Christian as he is billionaire.
-Donald Trump is equally as billionaire as he is Christian.
-There is just as much evidence that he is a Christian as there is that he is a billionaire.
-There is just as much evidence that he is a billionaire as there is that he is a Christian.
We think that pretty much speaks for itself, and will leave it there.
God & The Internal Revenue Service
Reached for comment, President Trump said he is “deeply and bigly offended” by the letter.
“Yeah, well? You know what,” Trump asked angrily in the Oval Office, “Who asked the IRS? I am the IRS! And God? Shit, don’t get me started on THAT cuck!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.