WASHINGTON, D.C. — Judicial Watch, the right-wing watchdog group that regularly files Freedom of Information Act inquiries into the various burps, farts, sneezes, coughs, and back spasms of the Clintons and Obamas, announced at a press conference today that they are adding another person to the large number of suspects they are investigating as it pertains to the Mueller investigation of the 2016 presidential election.
Tom Fitton, the group’s president, told reporters today that not only is Judicial Watch investigating the Obama administration’s role in the events that led to an FBI special counsel investigation into Russian meddling, as well as President Trump’s ongoing efforts to stymie the investigation that he says, ultimately, completely exonerates him. Fitton has been one of the voice on the right demanding that a counter-investigation now be launched against those who led the investigation into Trump.
— Tom Fitton (@TomFitton) April 22, 2019
“Yes, the detailed accounting of Bob Mueller’s report lays out a blistering case that the president lied, told others to lie, and did everything he could to subvert an investigation, and yes, anyone with even a soupcon of intellectual honesty and self-awareness can tell he’s the most corrupt president of all time,” Fitton told reporters. “But it’s time to get down to the bottom of every single person’s role in this grossly competent, manifestly fair, even handed investigation into the most unfit person to ever occupy the Oval Office.”
Fitton says the urgency of the situation dictates that someone perhaps quite surprising and unforeseen has been added to the ever-growing list of people Judicial Watch is looking into.
“We’re adding your mom to the list,” Fitton said. “Because we have to know what your mom knew and when. Did she share any memes? Did she tell anyone she doesn’t trust the president, just because he’s lied more than 10,000 documented, verifiable times since becoming president? Was she the second gunman on the grassy knoll? These are all questions the American public deserves answers to, and we won’t stop making up reasons to investigate until every single person is a suspect.”
Mr. Fitton says he is “personally outraged” that so many people thought they “had a right to know if their president is a corrupt dildo wielding clown or not.”
“What gives these people the idea they have a right to know or care about whether their president is a totally corrupt scumbag,” Fitton asked incredulously. “I mean, when they’re a Republican. Democratic presidents aren’t even legitimate according to the Constitution, I hear.”
Fitton is just “protecting the rule of law,” he told reporters.
“Because I’m making sure that President Trump rules the law,” Fitton explained. “Because no one is above the law; Republican presidents are just more important than it.”
President Trump said he is “bigly and balls deeply honored” by Fitton’s spirited defense of his presidency.
“Maybe we’ll make Fitton the Secretary of Teeth Gaps or Comically Large Biceps Six Times Larger Than His Brain,” Trump said. “We’re looking into several ways Tom can join our team. We could always use a few more people who have the guts to tell me exactly what I want to hear, no matter what.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.