Stephen Miller Wants ‘Brown Skinned’ Americans to Wear Special Sombrero Patches

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Nationalist Insecurity Adviser Stephen Miller is the man behind some of President Donald Trump’s most controversial immigration policies, and he makes no apologies for it. It was Miller’s idea to push for a “zero tolerance” policy at the border that wound up separating thousands of migrant children from their parents.

“That’s one of the advantages of being a Nazi Lizard Vampire,” Miller once told ABC News, “Human feelings of shame and embarrassment never enter my cerebral cortex.”

MIller’s next policy proposal may be his most controversial to date. In a leaked memo from Miller to White House senior staff, he suggests that it “might be time to think inside the Reich.” Miller’s proposal? To force “anyone who is or might look like” migrants who are apprehended at the border to wear “special sombrero patches.”

“As you know, this administration undertook a massive research endeavor,” Miller’s memo states, “and we scoured the Constitution for anything that would prevent us from forcing people to wear special patches that make it easier to identify them as being brown, and therefore probably illegal. Apparently someone cucked our courts back in the 60’s and made it so we can’t just discriminate based on their skin color. So we have to get creative and it might be time to think inside the reich.”

Mr. Miller suggested in the memo that once Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers locate and identify “a brown they suspect is here illegally,” they issue the person a patch shaped like a traditional Mexican hat known as a “sombrero.” This would allow ICE agents to not hold people indefinitely, Miller suggests, while also giving “real Americans” an easy way to identify someone they “should probably harass and ask where they came from.” Though it’s unclear just how many immigrants come to the United States from Mexico these days, Miller believes it’s “vital” to make the patches represent “something good, clean, ammo hoarding American patriots easily identify with illegal immigrants.”

“As it turns out, there is literally nothing in the Constitution that even references forcing people of a certain ethnic-looking color to wear identifying patches,” Miller writes in his memo. “So we’re, like, super-way good there guys! This will hold up in court without a doubt.”

From the very beginning of his campaign, then-candidate Trump has hammered immigration as one of his biggest issues. Trump seems keenly aware at all times of how much animosity and intensity he can command among his base with it, and Miller has been the chief architect of his policy as well as crafting the speeches Trump tries to bolster support for the policies with. Miller’s memo makes it clear that the sombrero patches are on the tip of the iceberg.

“There are going to be a whole lot of new ideas we roll out over the next eighteen months, leading up to the election,” Miller said. “We’re considering legislation to make saying, ‘No Way, Josè illegal. We’re also seriously considering revoking Taco Bell and Del Taco’s business licenses. We simply must purge our great land of all non-white influence, but you know, in a totally not racist way because we have Blacks 4 Trump signs at our rallies…held by old white folks.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said her hands are busy wringing over whether to use her constitutional powers to hold a lawless accountable, and to get back to her in about eighteen months when she’s hopefully not frittered away all the momentum she was handed by voters in the 2018 midterms.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

More from James Schlarmann

USPS Announces New “Whatever” Stamps For Customers Who Just Can’t Right Now

The United States Postal Service has announced that they are adding a...
Read More