Pelosi Wishes ‘The Founders Had Given Us Some Tool by Which to Hold a President Accountable’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi told reporters today that she is “dismayed, shocked, saddened, outraged, and very unhappy” with what she learned after reading the redacted Mueller Report.

Pelosi said reading the report made her want to “hold Trump accountable more than ever.” She said that “so many Americans want him to be made to answer for his abuse of power.” Speaker Pelosi said she’s been stopped on the street a dozen times or more now, and is told by various American citizens they want Donald Trump’s power to be “checked and balanced against Congress’s power.”

However, she also doesn’t “have the foggiest clue” how to do any of that.

“I just wish that there was some way, somehow, some mechanism that Congress had to do anything about it,” Pelosi lamented. “If only the founders had given us some tool by which to hold a president accountable when you have evidence of his lawless disregard for the Constitution. But I can’t think of anything like that at the moment, can you?”

Speaker Pelosi said that she and her staff are “poring over every legal document [they] can get their hands on.” As of yet, though, she reports that they haven’t been able to locate anything to help them in this situation. Pelosi says she knows that voters are looking to her for leadership, but that she is worried that she might not be able to find a way to “hold Trump’s feet to the fire” by election time next year.

“What if I spend the next eighteen months or so painstakingly checking every document in the National Archives and I still can’t find a way for us to hold Trump accountable,” Pelosi asked the reporters. “I’ll feel so devastated helpless. It’s so strange. You’d think that somewhere maybe even in the Constitution there’d be a way for us to get rid of a guy who anyone with a pulse and an honest thought in their brains can see isn’t fit for office. But, well, if it’s out there, we haven’t found it yet.”

An aide brought Ms. Pelosi a glass of iced tea.

“Mmm. Peach mint,” Pelosi said, prompting reporters to lean in and start scribbling notes furiously, “I just love peach mint tea, don’t you? The combination of peach and mint is just fantastic!”

The reporters pulled back again, putting their pens away.

“I’m afraid that as completely damning as Mueller’s report is, and as clearly as he handed the ball to us to hold the president to account,” Pelosi said, “We’re going to have to just wait eighteen months and trust that somewhere along the line he’ll start holding himself accountable. It’s bound to happen eventually. Right? Right? Right guys?”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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