WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump and Third First Lady Melania Trump hosted the annual White House Easter Egg roll this morning.
It is the third time that Trump has hosted the event, however it’s the first time he’s hosted it since the release of the redacted Mueller Report. Though the report painstakingly documented more than ten instances that likely rose to the level of obstruction of justice, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller ultimately left the decision to hold Trump accountable for those transgression to Congress, who has the power to impeach and, perhaps, remove him from office. Attorney General William Barr then interceded and declared that Trump was exonerated completely on charges of obstruction because Mueller was unable to establish a criminal conspiracy.
Mr. Trump was reportedly exuberant this morning as children started arriving for the Easter egg hunt. Trump was so excited, he chose to share his “bigly news” with every kid as they arrived. Trump stood with Third First Lady Melania and greeted each child as they entered the egg roll with a special message.
“NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION! YOU HEAR ME, KID?! NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION,” Trump shouted directly into every child’s face. “NO. COLLUSION. NO. OBSTRUCTION.”
Trump varied the exact welcome message, but not the tone or urgency, every so often.
“WELECOME TO MY EASTER EGG HUNT! YOU ARE BEING ALLOWED TO HUNT MY EGGS AND WILL HAVE TO GIVE THEM BACK ONCE YOU LEAVE,” Trump shouted at one kid. “OH, AND DON’T FORGET — NO OBSTRUCTION! NO COLLUSION! CROOKED H!”
The president told one child that his egg hunt would be “more better for the country than Conflicted Bob Mueller’s witch hunt that totally and completely exonerated” him.
“NO COLLUSION, LITTLE GIRL! NO COLLUSION! ALSO NO OBSTRUCTION,” Trump shouted in a four year old girl’s face. “YOU MAKE SURE YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO TELL THEIR PARENTS THEY ARE REQUIRED TO VOTE FOR ME CUZ I BEAT BOB MUELLER’S ATTEMPTED COUP THAT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY EXONERATED ME!”
Attorney General William Barr was in attendance as well. He was seen following President Trump around. Barr was carrying a large bucket of water, and every so often Trump would ask Barr for a drink. That’s when Barr would get a big crazy straw out of his jacket and put it into the bucket.
“Ah! That’s nice! Thanks for carrying my water, Bill,” Trump told his attorney general. “But you’re prolly getting used to that by now, huh?”
Trump slapped Barr on the back, leaving a tiny KFC grease handprint on his suit jacket.
“Yes, that’s right Mr. President. Whatever you say, Mr. President. I’m your presonal attorney, of course, Mr. President,” Barr told Trump.
As the children filed out from the festivities, Trump handed them each a specially printed card.
“NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION!” was printed on each card, with a picture of Trump giving Robert Mueller the finger on the opposite side.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.