WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr held a press conference today and made a stunning, rather unforeseen announcement. He has discovered evidence that “completely and totally exonerates” OJ Simpson for the double-homicide he was already acquitted for, over twenty years ago.
“This morning, I was cleaning out some old boxes in a storage room not many people here at the Department of Justice use anymore,” Barr told reporters. “And I found a report on the case of Orenthal James “OJ” Simpson vs. the State of California. Crazy as it may seem, it absolutely, positively exonerates Mr. Simpson, and of course per departmental policies that I’m counting on to keep my cover-up going, you cannot see the report, so don’t ask.”
Barr told the media that the report was crammed between other reports the DOJ compiled on topics such as the Bowling Green Massacre and former President Obama’s forced-gay marriage FEMA camps and confiscated gun warehouses.
“I don’t know why this report was never released, and I’m not going to do it now. But trust me, it pretty says OJ was not not guilty, but that he was a victim,” Barr said. “He was the victim of a witch hunt of angry Democratic prosecutors. Or not. Maybe I’m guessing a smidge there, but who cares? Point is, Ol’ Honest Barr has told you something, and when I tell you something, you can take it to the bank, y’all.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Simpson said he “knew all along” that he’d be vindicated.
“I just knew if I waited long enough, someone would come along to fix this whole mess. Someone would be there to tell everyone to ignore all that evidence and shit,” Simpson said in a written statement. “I’m also honored and flattered to have been exonerated by the same man who helped make the Iran Contra thing go away, and who so very truthfully cleared the president of all wrongdoing. I mean, if it’s good enough for the President of the United States of America, it’s good enough for me.”
Next week, President Trump intends to offer Simpson a job in his administration, sources are saying.
“Now that we know OJ is as innocent as the president, we’re sure we can find a job for him around here somewhere,” our source told us. “Maybe he can work in the kitchen; he’s great with knives we hear.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.