DNC Wants Bernie Sanders to Take Blood Oath and Kiss Chair’s Ring Before Trying to Help the Party Win

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, several key outlets reported that Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), has signed a “loyalty pledge” to the Democratic Party as he entered the 2020 presidential primary, seeking the DNC’s nomination. The language in the oath forced Sanders to state, unequivocally, that he is a Democrat, despite serving the Senate as an Independent.

“I am a member of the Democratic Party,” the document signed by Sanders reads. “I will run a Democrat, accept the nomination of my Party, and I will serve as a Democrat if elected.” (USA Today)

With his loyalty pledge signed, perhaps Sen. Sanders thought he could put some of the partisanship that caused tension between his supporters and Hillary Clinton supporters behind him. However, Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez said in an interview on public radio that he’s still “not sure” Sanders is “really on the side that is entitled to win every time.”

“First of all, I’m still very skeptical and frankly a little scared of living in a world where the political parties have to earn peoples’ votes,” Perez told W-NONGMO’s Gale Simpkins today. “The loyalty pledge is a great start, but we’re looking for a blood oath. Like, literally, Bernie should open up a nice, deep cut on his hand, and spill a few pints for our corporate entity — er, I mean, totally legit political apparatus. And hey, if Bernie wants to kiss my ring, I think that’s a good idea. Actually, he should kiss it even if he doesn’t want to, now that I think of it.”

Perez said that despite the fact that Sanders inspired a youth movement in the political landscape, and despite his party greatly benefiting from that wave of political activism, he still isn’t “completely convinced” that Sanders has the Democrats’ interests in mind enough to be worthy of their nomination.

“Sure, his wing of the party is pretty much what turned our deficit in the House into one of the largest historical overturning of majorities ever,” Perez said, “and yes, there are three young, powerful women in positions of power that were inspired to run by Bernie, and who are Berniecrats. But, has he sucked up to the Democratic establishment yet, that’s the key question he’s frankly going to have to answer.”

Mr. Perez acknowledges that Sanders may have stayed in the race longer than some other candidates, but he did ultimately back and campaign for Ms. Clinton. In fact, Sanders specifically recorded messages and tweeted for his followers to not pursue a “Bernie or Bust” strategy. Perez, still, though, believes Sanders “could have and should have done more” to help Clinton win.

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“Would it have killed him to put just a few guns to a few peoples’ heads and marched them into the voting booth on Election Day,” Perez asked rhetorically. “Or couldn’t he have done a live stream of getting a ‘You’re With Her, or Else’ tattoo?”

Citing the fact that Trump’s victory hinged on a razor-thin margin in just a handful of key states, Perez says that it’s “imperative we re-litigate just how much Bernie is to blame” instead of addressing Obama voters who might have jumped ship and voted for Trump in 2016.

“It’s just like Nader and Florida in 2000. Sure, more Democrats voted for Bush than Nader, but my corporate sponsors say that’s not as important as demanding Sanders’ undying fealty and devotion to our party,” Perez stated. “He absolutely brought thousands and thousands of people into the party so they could vote for him in the primaries, and those people overwhelmingly voted for Hillary. But, if he doesn’t literally sell us a piece of his mortal soul, is he really on our team?”

Perez produced a small booklet. He said it was all the votes Bernie Sanders took in the Senate. He highlighted a few, noting that Sanders voted with the Democratic caucus every time.

“But, and I don’t ask this lightly,” Perez began, “is voting exactly the same way our party votes really enough? Indeed, every American must ask themselves if it’s enough for Bernie to merely vote the same exact way we do on every single issue, or if we are entitled to his first born child, at the very least. Sure he wants to help, but does he also want to give over at least some portion of his soul to us? And if not, do we really want him trying to help us win? Can we really use all the help we can get?”

The Sanders campaign could not be reached for comment.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.


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