Jeff Sessions: Spike Lee ‘Should Be Arrested for Making His Joints, Not Given Awards’

WHITE HOOD, ALABAMA — Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions was stopped outside his favorite quick service seafood restaurant this afternoon and asked about Spike Lee’s acceptance speech at this year’s Oscars.

Winning the first Academy Award of his long and prestigious career, Lee spoke mostly of the legacy of African Americans and particular black America’s influence on motion pictures. At the very end of his speech, Lee admonished everyone watching him to take next year’s election seriously and vote out of love, not hate. Lee encouraged viewers to vote “on the right side of history.”

President Donald Trump must have taken offense at Lee’s speech, because he tweeted that it was a “racist hit on your President.”

“Well, I seem to remember a time when one of them, you know, those types, wouldn’t even have the courage to speak ill toward one of their superiors,” Sessions said, sitting down on a nearby bench and sticking a toothpick in his mouth. “But, well, you give ’em freedom, you give ’em the right to vote, you enforce the 14th Amendment, and then boom! All of a sudden they think they’re our equals. I mean, who would ever think God would create all men equal?”

Sessions leaned back, and put his right hand down the front of his pants, resting it on his pelvic mound.

“Of course what he said about Trump is racist! Everyone knows it’s now totally illegal to be racist to black people,” Sessions said, rolling his eyes. “Stupid Brown vs. Board of Education…anyhow, now, I heard tell of a little fact that I think should have immediately disqualified this Spiky Lee character.”

Mr. Sessions took a bit of chewing tobacco out of his pocket. As he did, a DVD copy of the original “Birth of a Nation” fell out of his pocket. He quickly picked it up and put it away.

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“Apparently this Spiky character does all his films for joints! It always says right at the beginning of the talkie, it says, ‘A Spiky Lee Joint,'” Sessions said with the shock dripping from every syllable. “Call me old fashioned, but in my day they got arrested for their joints, not awards.”

Lee would already be “behind bars in the federal pokey” if it were up to Sessions, and he were still the Attorney General.

“You gotta send a strong message to everyone,” Sessions said. “Insolence toward the president will never be tolerated, particularly by uppity urbans. But the message goes beyond that.”

Former Attorney General Sessions paused, reflecting.

“The message has also got to be that we will not let our country move out of the dark ages,” Sessions said. “If our country was founded on racism, then there must be some racist component to our lives at all times! For me, it only makes sense that our drug laws would stay rooted in the 1930’s; that’s the time I truly feel being a white American was the best it’s ever been, with a few pre-Civil War years notwithstanding, of course.”

Before going back into Fast Fish to finish his meal, Sessions also took the time to critique the winning film, “Black KKKlansman,” whose adapted screenplay won Lee his Oscar.

“I know they say it’s based on a true story, but that’s what Don’s saying about the national emergency at the border and only weighing 239 pounds,” Sessions said, laughing. “I don’t know a single one of my brothers that would’ve fallen for that ruse, sorry, fam.”

Spike Lee was not available for comment.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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