NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Cesar Sayoc, Christopher Paul Hasson, and James Alex Fields Jr. issued a joint statement through a mutual representative this weekend, condemning actor Jussie Smollett.
“Jussie Smollett should be absolutely ashamed of himself for implying that we MAGA Boys can sometimes get violent,” the joint statement reads. “We are outraged at the implication, and if we weren’t behind bars we would definitely be adding Jussie to our kill and purge lists, and Alex would be gassing up his car right now.”
Sayoc earned himself the nickname of the “MAGA Bomber” when he was arrested last year after sending bombs to several prominent Democrats. His van was found in Florida shellacked with with pro-Trump propaganda. Fields became famous when he was arrested and ultimately convicted for the vehicular murder of anti-Trump protester Heather Heyer in Charlottesville, Virginia back in 2017. Mr. Hasson, a Lieutenant in the Coast Guard, was arrested last week for stockpiling guns and ammunition, and amassing a list of targets — prominent liberals in politics and the media — that he was planning on murdering to help start a race war.
“How dare Smollett? How the hell dare he?! Where does he get off calling MAGA boys violent,” the joint statement asks rhetorically. “Smollett makes us so angry we wanna go buy tiki torches and shout Nazi slogans in the street! It makes us so mad we want to go get wooden dowels, and attach tacks to them, and then go swing them at liberals who are peacefully protesting us! We don’t know what gave that piece of crap the idea that we’re violent, but we’ll beat the shit out of any cuck who says it to our faces…you know, once we all get out of Federal prison and stuff.”
It’s not enough to point out that Smollett was wrong, the letter reads. Smollett should have to personally apologize to every Trump supporter he sees, for the rest of his life.
“Sure, we could focus on being outraged that he diminished and insulted real victims of real hate crimes that FBI data suggests are on the rise,” the letter states. “But we’re just stuck on this crazy, silly, nonsensical idea that MAGA Boys can be violent! We ain’t never been violent, and the Second Amendment says if you keeps callin’ us violent we gets to murder you and call it freedom lobbing!”
The three men all expressed great surprise that Smollett was even believed in the first place.
“Where in the hell would anyone get the idea that we’re violent, other than Trump rallies, YouTube scream-rant videos, and the walls of text we leave as comments on Facebook threads, threatening everyone with the guns we have stockpiled and play with every weekend,” the three men’s letter reads. “We have no idea why anyone would even believe we’re capable of being violent sociopaths like that!”
Representatives for Smollett say he’s too busy flying his rocket-powered jetpack to Mars, where he’ll write a duet with John Lennon and Freddie Mercury, who have been living there since Abraham Lincoln time traveled and told them about the tomato soup that’s only available from a special little Martian soup counter. They reiterated several times this was a “very real, very authentic, totally really happening thing.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.