CHOWDER, MASSACHUSETTS — A spokesperson for Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots football franchise, released the following statement just moments ago. Mr. Kraft was arrested in connection to a prostitution and sex trafficking ring in Florida, and news of this development has traveled like wildfire across the Internet.
“This was a very big lapse in judgment, and Mr. Kraft is devastated,” lawyer Tim Timberly told reporters at a hastily convened press conference. “The only line of defense my client has, really, is that paying to have balls deflated is a Patriots tradition.”
Football fans likely will not soon forget “Deflate Gate.” That scandal centered around whether or not Patriots quarterback Tom Brady paid field staff to deflate footballs just enough to where they’d be able to be thrown farther. Recently, a 10 year old student was able to prove with the scientific method that Brady did in fact cheat when he had the balls deflated. Brady wound up serving a suspension for his role in Deflate Gate.
“This story is not much different than Deflate Gate,” Timberly said. “Some money was exchanged, and some balls were deflated. End of story.”
Timberly insists that Kraft is “earnestly sorry” and “very willing” to serve any punishment doled out his way.
“If Bob has to serve a ten or even fifteen game suspension next year, he’s prepared to do that,” Timberly said. “As a rich white billionaire, however, he is not prepared to be held accountable in a court of law, and we are currently looking at several avenues to pursue. With as money as he has, he plays by different rules, which is all in the Constitution. Somewhere in the back.”
President Trump has said he wishes he had the power to pardon Kraft, but since the charges are being filed in state court. The president did, however, have some words of advice for his friend Kraft.
“Bob should just do what I do. Either pay the prostitutes off, or tell them you’ll buy them another pony like you did for their 13th birthday. Ivanka really likes ponies,” Trump told reporters. “Wait. Did I just say that out loud? CROOKED HILLARY, BOB MUELLER WITCH HUNT, LOCK HER UP, MAGA MAGA MAGA!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.