WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a hastily convened press conference this afternoon, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell forcefully insisted that the entirety of whatever it is that President Donald Trump calls his penis could fit into any orifice on McConnell’s body that the president wanted to put it.
“Uh, I’m here today, because last week we reopened the government and as I said from the Senate floor would happen, the president declared a national emergency,” McConnell told reporters. “Because he didn’t want to be told no, you see. The president made a very reasonable request that House Democrats roll over and let him fuck them any which way he pleases, and like the anti-American communists they all are, they said no.”
Leader McConnell said that almost immediately after he told the president that he would support declaring a national emergency to get the funds for his promised border wall, there has been “rampant and toxic speculation in the media” about just how much of Trump’s penis could fit inside McConnell.
“That is an insulting question, frankly, and I don’t think I should have to answer it,” McConnell said, seeming to wipe back tears from his eyes. “It’s a silly question, too, because obviously he can fit his whole entire dick in there, okay? He wants it, I give it to him. What good is coequal power in government if the president can’t power-fuck you any time he pleases, is how I’ve always looked at my role to play in all this, anyway.”
Stroking a lump of coal he keeps in his pocket and calls his “Precious,” McConnell continued.
“So yes, to answer the question, the president can lodge his entire manhood inside there, okay,” McConnell reiterated. “Any time he wants, no questions asked. Clearly I have no problem accepting his dong-wanger as my grandpappy used to call it, and the people of Kentucky elected me specifically to keep taking that dick deep, deep inside me, until it fills me all the way up.”
McConnell was asked by a report to be more specific, because it wasn’t exactly clear which holes of his that the Kentucky Republican would allow Trump to penetrate, much less which ones he’d fit into.
“Anywhere. You hear me? Anywhere he wants to,” McConnell indicated. “He can fit it all in there, I’m sure of it.”
Senate Majority Leader McConnell admitted he was nervous at first about letting Trump have his way with him. What if Trump were hung like a horse, McConnell worried. What if Trump was forceful and tried to grab McConnell by his reptilian-human hybrid genitals? Then, he said, one major story line from last year put all his fears at ease.
“I mean, I read Stormy Daniels’ accounts,” McConnell acknowledged. “I’m confident anything the president’s got won’t be large enough to do much damage to my insides, and besides all that, I already have a mouth that acts like prolapsed anus from all the shit I incessantly spew, so I think we’re good no matter what.”
Sen. McConnell says he’s “not interested in trivial things like Constitutional checks and balances.”
“I’m as interested now as I ever was in the one thing that’s kept me going in this weary world of ours,” McConnell said, “Doing whatever I can to make marrying and mating with a genuine lump of Kentucky coal not only legal, but recognized by this government of ours as the only true form of marriage before God and country!”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders issued a brief statement in response to McConnell’s announcement.
“We have known all along that President Trump’s amazing, glorious, life affirming, totally normal shaped and sized schlong would fit deep, deep inside Mitch McConnell,” Huckabee wrote. “So we’re glad that Leader McConnell is coming around to seeing our way of things. He’s a good comrade. Da. A very good one.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.