WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is not done using the power of his presidency to declare a state of emergency.
Last week, Trump made waves when he signed a funding resolution that keeps the government open while simultaneously declaring a national emergency at the southern border. This was Trump’s admitted attempt to bypass Congress, who only included about 20% of the funds that Trump wanted for the border wall he promised his base Mexico would pay for. Many on both sides of the aisle have decried Trump’s move as a naked political grab for power, as Trump’s base is vital to his political survival, given his incessantly underwater approval ratings with anyone outside the Republican Party.
This weekend, The Pastiche Post reported that Trump declared another national emergency when he ran out of “dippies” for his Chicken McNuggets. The same weekend, Trump railed against the long-running NBC comedy show “Saturday Night Live.” Actor Alec Baldwin returned to SNL this past weekend and skewered Trump’s Rose Garden press conference in which he announced the national emergency. Clearly, the sketch rattled the most powerful man in the free world.
Nothing funny about tired Saturday Night Live on Fake News NBC! Question is, how do the Networks get away with these total Republican hit jobs without retribution? Likewise for many other shows? Very unfair and should be looked into. This is the real Collusion!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 17, 2019
However, Trump was not content to merely lash out and threaten the First Amendment rights of the writers, producers, and performers on SNL. Later in the day, after giving the subject as much thought as a couple of neurons bouncing around an adderrall-impaired mind can give, Trump announced he was declaring yet another emergency. This time, it was over what he called the “joke equivalent of 9/11” and the “terror attack of satire.”
“I hereby declare a nation-SNL emergency and end everybody’s First Amendment rights to make fun of me as of right now,” Trump told the nation in a pre-recorded announcement from the Oval Office. “A president’s intact feelings are a nation’s most precious resources, and mine have been permanently hurt by those mean ol’ comedians!”
Trump seemed to question the validity of the First Amendment, calling into question whether “regular people like artists” have a right to express themselves freely. The president called the “use of the First Amendment to make speech offensive to” him is “unconstitutional,” and he said that Fox News host Dan Bongino agrees with him.
“If we can’t take the word of a disgraced former Secret Service agent and fired NRA-TV host as to what is legal and constitutional, we don’t live in America anymore,” Trump said. “And Vladimir says we’re not moving onto that phase of the plan until after 2020, so I have no choice but to act now.”
Swiping his crayon across an official set of papers, Trump issued the state of “nation-SNL emergency.” As part of his announcement, Trump has directed the FBI, DOJ, and his sons Uday and Qussay to personally arrest any writer or cast member of SNL that doesn’t agree to immediately cease and desist all satirizing, mocking, ridiculing, or criticizing President Trump.
“I will have no choice but to cancel the First Amendment permanently if my feelings aren’t protected,” Trump warned, wagging a tiny finger at the camera in the Oval Office. “So don’t test me, cucks!”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he was “outraged” by the announcement of the new state of emergency.
“I’m personally outraged, outraged I tell you,” McConnell said. “I am outraged it took President Trump this long to figure out I would back literally everything he did as long as he was a Republican. He could’ve shredded the Constitution much faster if he’d just reached out to me first.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.