WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources in the White House are indicating that President Trump is still locked away in the presidential bathroom, ostensibly putting the final touches on his State of the Union speech. As recently as a couple weeks ago, Trump was sure he’d have to give his speech from the parking lot of a McDonald’s, given that the government was shut down. But now that he has caved in a very presidential way to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Trump can focus on finishing up the address.
Mr. Trump is scheduled to deliver the address in just mere hours, and now that senior policy adviser Stephen Miller has added the final racist jokes, the president has set himself upon the task of memorizing what is being described as the “bulk” of his speech.
“Okay, I’ve got all the easy ones, the short ones,” Trump was heard telling himself on the toilet. “New York, can’t forget that one. I’m from there. And I might even win that state next year, probably not, but who knows? Then New Jersey, I always remember that one from the time I saw sixteen trillion Muslims celebrating 9/11.”
President Trump is poring over the names of the states in an effort to have all fifty of them memorized before the speech is given tonight.
“C’mon Mushroom Don! You can do this,” Trump said, referring to himself with the nickname Stormy Daniels gave him. “You’ve got New Mexico, New Hampshire, and then…New Car Smell? Yeah, that must be it!”
For hours, Trump has been meticulously reciting state names from his own recollection. While he could use his smart phone and bring up a map of the United States, aides say he’d have to give up far too much tweeting time to do so. Instead, Trump has insisted to his staff that he will have all fifty states memorized with plenty of time to spare.
“California — don’t want to remember that communist state of fourteen gazillion illegal Mexicans voting for Crooked H, but that’s okay, it’s still a state for now,” Trump said. “Then there’s Oregon, North Oregon, Westeros, Whoville, wait hold on. That’s silly. Oregon is a real state name? Who came up with it? Previous Black Administration McGee? Yikes, gonna fix that one, bigly. Doesn’t even sound like a real word. I need more covfefe, now that I think about it.”
Trump left the bathroom and headed to the White House kitchen, asking for a strong cup of one his favorite hot beverages, then went to the Oval Office, where acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney was waiting to start the day’s hour of actual work time.
“Okay, so where was I? Oh, right, there’s Arizona, Colorado, Idaho, East Idaho, pretty sure France is in there somewhere,” Trump said, listing more states he knew of. “Boy, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Who knew memorizing states would be so complicated.”
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Mulvaney spoke up.
“Mr. President, why are you memorizing state names,” Mulvaney asked, concern in his voice. “You should be finalizing the books we’re going to burn at the rally after the State of the Union.”
Trump snapped his fingers.
“That’s why I’m memorizing them! Mick, I don’t know why George Jefferson and Thomas Washington wrote in the Constaltoochin that presidents have to name all the states in the union every year, but I’m sure they had their reasons,” Trump complained. “It was way easier for them though! There were less states. Weren’t there only like 30 states to start off or something?”
Mulvaney corrected his boss.
“Thirteen sir. Thirteen original colonies. There were thirteen original colonies,” Mulvaney said, adding under his breath, “and you’re literally the first person to sit in that office and not know that. But whatever.”
Trump took the correction in stride.
“Ah, of course. But I was really right! Because memorizing thirteen is much easier than memorizing all the ones we have now,” Trump insisted.
Mulvaney pressed on.
“Sir, why are you memorizing any states to begin with? I don’t get it,” Mulvaney said.
“Because it says STATE of the Union, Mick,” Trump said. “Duh-doyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
The “doy” lasted a full minute, and ended with Trump farting and blaming it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who wasn’t even in the room.
“I have to say all the states in the union tonight,” Trump said. “It’s like a test. I have to pass it, or I’m not president anymore.”
“Sir, you’re giving a speech on the state of the country,” Mulvaney clarified, “not the states IN the country.”
A moment’s pause. Trump scratched his chin. Another fart.
“We really need to change Sarah’s diet. So, I don’t have to recite state names at the State of the Union,” Trump asked rhetorically.
Mulvaney smiled. The president finally got it. He just nodded and gave Trump a thumbs-up.
“Sweet,” Trump exclaimed. “You can go now Mick, and send Stephen in. We can put all the racist jokes back into the speech that we cut for time!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.