WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s aircraft has been officially rechristened.
“Because Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation is ongoing, and because it seems every couple of weeks he’s arresting and indicting someone even closer to the president and his inner circle, we thought it best to be on the safe side and rename his plan Air Force Individual-1,” announced the Secret Service and Air Force in a joint statement.
At the end of last year, President Trump’s former personal attorney Michael Cohen was arrested and subsequently indicted on a bevy of charges stemming from hush money he paid to women on behalf of then-candidate Trump. In the sentencing agreement, Mueller’s office lays out that Cohen, at the direction of someone the papers only refer to as “Individual-1,” lied to Congress about Trump Tower projects in Moscow that the president claimed were not being pursued. In labeling the president as “Individual-1,” Mueller evoked memories in many of Richard Nixon, the last sitting president to be an unnamed co-conspirator in a series of crimes prosecuted by a special counselor.
“The president likes to have consistent branding on everything that he’s involved with,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders briefed reporters from the White House test kitchens, where she was eating a batch of nacho cheese dipped chocolate chip cookie dough with her bare hands. “Renaming his official presidential aircraft to something that most Americans most identify with him seems to be a pretty genius stroke if you ask me.”
In addition to a name change, the president’s airplane will also undergo more changes this coming year.
“We’re changing the in-flight menu to be exclusively McDonald’s, since that’s now the official food sponsor of all White House-related events,” Huckabee told reporters. “We’ll also be locking the cabin doors so that the president’s sons Eric and Don Jr. stop asking the pilots if they can ‘drive like Daddy’ lets them drive their family yacht.”
The president is said to be mostly okay with this change.
“He’s not even sure how much longer Vlad’s going to let him be president anyway,” one source close to the situation told us. “And he’s become awfully forlorn about all the pussy he hasn’t grabbed in three years. So, he’s kinda like, whatever man, you know?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.