NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This week on his podcast, Fox News host Tucker Carlson made a grave and serious announcement, followed by another announcement that he was starting a charity foundation directly related to his first announcement.
“After many years of hiding in the shadows, Donald Trump Jr., the man who is I believe, according to the real Constitution, fifth in line for succession of the crown of the presidency, convinced me to stop putting myself on time-out,” Carlson told listeners. “So I’m going to officially announce, right now, that I suffer from Chronic Jizz Face.”
Previous reporting from The Political Garbage Chute identifies CJF as a medical condition where patients faces are “permanently twisted and contorted” like someone had an orgasmic ejaculation in their visage, without the patient’s permission.
The Old England Medical of Journal describes CJF as a “condition in which the afflicted’s face is permanently twisted and contorted, as if someone is ejaculating all over it without permission.”
The president’s son was up to this point the most famous and well-known person to have CJF. With Carlson’s announcement, Donald Jr. has conservative company. Mr. Carlson told his audience that the same woman who treats Junior’s CJF will handle his case.
“We did a battery of tests that confirmed what I have suspected about Tucker for a long, long time,” Dr. Henrietta McGee told reporters at a press conference later in the day. “Whenever Tucker is confused, upset, or otherwise emotionally stimulated, he makes a face. That facial expression more often than not looks like there’s a dude standing just inches from his face, about to hose it down with a warm, viscous, gooey, load, medically speaking.”
In the past, Dr. McGee has said that CFJ can present as another disease, CFF, or “chronic fart face.” That disease causes a patient to always look like they’re “squeaking out a stinker,” according to Dr. McGee. Carlson’s medical team quickly ruled out CFF when they realized that his farts are quite odorous.
“They smell like Nazi gold and shame,” McGee explained with a smile.
Tucker and Donald Jr. have already met and planned a new 501(c)(3) charitable foundation for research into the causes of and cures for CJF.
“It’s my distinct privilege to introduce the Chairman of the Board for a brand new charity I’m starting with him,” Tucker vamped, “Please welcome to the show, Donald Trump Jr. Don Jr. will be running the Tuck-and-a-Schmuck Foundation for a Cure to CJF. I am sure that his myriad experience running various charities with his father will meet the same exact standards of non-fraud.”
There was a moment’s pause, then both Carlson and Don Jr. erupted into cacophonous laughter.
“Just kidding! Just kidding! Did you hear me, Don? I just said that you’ll run a charity without it being a total scam,” Carlson said through fits of insane laughter.
Don Jr. just sat there for the entire time, looking right into the camera Tucker shoots his podcast on, head tilted. Junior’s lip curled up and stayed there, while his eyes glazed over.
At the time of publication, doctors are still trying to break Junior out of his CJF-induced coma. Carlson signed off his show by saying that his audience was witnessing first hand the necessity for CJF research funding.
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.