Jeff Sessions Can Finally Unwind, Smoke a Doob, and Forget About Persecuting Brown People Awhile

GREEN FIELD SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA — Just after former Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced his resignation, he boarded a privately chartered plane, and took off for California. Sessions knew exactly where he wanted to go, and what he wanted to do as soon as he got there.

One can imagine our surprise when Mr. Sessions reached out to this publication and offered us an exclusive interview with him, once he landed at Bartholomew Jane Sampson Airport, our reporter greeted Sessions, and the two men got into a town car, headed for a local marijuana dispensary. Former Attorney General Sessions says he became familiar with the Golden State’s many pot shops when he would come out to the west coast to inspect parts of Trump’s border wall, or to stare out at the Pacific Ocean and, as he told us, “wistfully dream of a simpler time” when “men were men and wore hoods like proper klansman.”

What follows is an excerpt our reporter’s interview with Jeff Sessions.


The Pastiche Post: Attorney General Sessions, thank you so much for offering us this opportunity. It’s not often a satirical outlet gets a chance to interview such an important American figure as yourself, sir.

Jeff Sessions: Why, I say, I say, I say the pleasure is all mine, sir.

TPP: Mr. Sessions —

JS: Please, call me Grand Wizard. It’s a formal title still, but I haven’t been free to use it in quite some time; what with me being in the Senate and the AG and all. It’s not, you know, good politics, to let it all hang out like I can, now that I’m done with public service for awhile.

We walked into the dispensary, and to my surprise, Sessions was quite the expert on cannabis. Despite his very vocal objection to its legalization, Mr. Sessions knew precisely which strains he wanted to sample that day. He picked out a couple of grams of Ghost Train OG and Green Crack. He also talked to the proprietor about a strain he’s been developing himself and promised to bring some in on his next visit.

As we walked out onto the street, Sessions looked around and lit up. I reminded him that public use of marijuana is still prohibited in most jurisdictions. Sessions laughed.

JS: To be perfectly frank, I’m not brown, so nothing’s gonna go down. Ooh! That rhymes. I should write that down for my memoir I’m writing.

TPP: So you were saying before we went inside that you were done with public life for awhile.

JS: That’s right! For most of my adult life I’ve been serving one government or another — the State of Alabama then the U.S. Government in the Senate and the Trump administration…and both of those were after I served the Confederacy in the early part of my career.

TPP: I take it then that you’re ready to pursue a private sector job?

JS: Absolutely.

Sessions lit up a pre-rolled joint, took a puff or two, and passed it to me. I decline out of the interest of journalistic integrity, but it did smell hella dank, to be sure.

JS: I guess I’m just ready to kick off my shoes, kick back, spark up a doob, and let my mind wander. I’ve been focused on persecuting and punishing brown-skinned people on this continent for so long, I sure could use a little vacay.


You can read the rest of the interview with Sessions in our semi-bi-quarterly print magazine, due out sometime next Blorfday.


James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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