Soldier Deployed To Southern Border Hopes His Kevlar Vest Is Rock-Proof

LOS CHINGADORES DE CULEROS NARANJOS, TEXAS — Since last week, President Donald Trump has deployed American troops to the southern border between the U.S. and Mexico in an attempt to stop a caravan of refugees and immigrants from Central and South America from entering the country and applying for asylum.

The number of troops Trump has committed to the exercise has increased steadily over the last week and a half. While many have questioned whether the move is purely political, Trump raised eyebrows even further when, delivering a speech to the nation about his administration’s immigration policy, he indicated that he’d authorize the military to use lethal force against anyone who threw rocks at the soldiers or border patrol agents. Trump claimed that some in the caravan did exactly that to Mexican authorities when they came into the country, though that claim has not been thoroughly vetted for accuracy.

“Man, I was feeling pretty okay about this assignment, because c’mon, the strength and might of the U.S. military against a bunch of impoverished people fleeing murder and violence? That’s about as lopsided as you can get,” Specialist Jack Wolen told us via Skype today.

“When the president said they could be throwing rocks at us, that made me think I should check to make sure my Kevlar’s good against that kind of low-velocity ammunition. I know it was designed to keep me alive if I’m shot by high power ammo, but how about rocks thrown by weak and starving refugees,” Wolen asked us. “I mean, I don’t think that a dude hurling a rock after spending two months barely eating anything would be able to get to terminal velocity, but if our Commander in Chief gives us rules of engagement, we follow them, no matter what.”

SPC Wolen is really hopeful that there is no confrontation at the border, because he says he’s worried about collateral damage.

“What happens if I use one of my fully-automatic firearms to take out a guy who was chucking a medium-sized rock at me, and I miss and end up hitting a mother or her child,” Wolen asked. “I mean, I know he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not have any consequences, but can I accidentally shoot a refugee kid with a high-velocity rifle round and not be charged with war crimes?”

The bottom line for Wolen is that he just hopes his Kevlar protects him from rocks, but that no rocks are thrown in the first place.

“I can actually sympathize with them. If I had fled death and mayhem and risked everything to seek legal asylum and safety somewhere, and some guy sent armed soldiers from the world’s most deadly army ever,” Wolen said, “I’d be pretty cheesed off and desperate, and might even chuck a rock. But if my orders are to kill rock throwers, I have to follow orders, right?”

Wolen paused.

“I can’t use that a legal excuse, right, that I was just following orders? Yeah, I didn’t think so,” Wolen said. “Nazis ruined literally everything, didn’t they? Not that we’re acting like…shit…well…I gotta go.”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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