Rapist Worried No One Will Believe He’s Raped If He Can’t Remember Exact, Specific Details About Prior Rapes

LAGO DE DOUCHE, ARIZONA — 36 year old Jack Johnathan Jackson is an admitted, repeated sexual offender. Over the years, Mr. Jackson estimates he has assaulted, and indeed raped, “scores upon scores” of women all over the southwest region.

While Jackson says that life as a serial rapist is “never easy, per se,” he’s becoming increasingly nervous that all his years of raping and assaulting women will be “wasted” and no one will believe him when he tells them he’s a registered sex offender with multiple rape convictions. What gave Jackson this uneasy feeling? The confirmation process for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

“When I go to a new town, which is quite often because I get too tempted to rape or sexually assault again, I have to register with everyone and tell my neighbors I’m a sexual offender,” Jackson told us. “But what happens if someone asks me to prove I’m a rapist? I can’t recall every single detail of every single rape! They might not believe me!”

Jackson says that he worries the Kavanaugh confirmation process will have tainted the notion of believing survivors so much that people might presume he’s innocent of all the charges.

“Watching the Republicans’ reaction to that Blasey Ford women’s testimony,” Mr. Jackson told us, “and seeing how they didn’t believe her because she couldn’t remember every single minute detail of a traumatizing event from more than 30 years ago made me realize I’ve been raping so long, I can’t remember all the details of my rapes.”

Jack says that “if the standard” of proof for prior sexual assault is having “to remember every single, solitary detail of an attack” for people to believe it took place, then he has to “ask what have [he’s]  been doing with my life all these years.”

It’s “impossible” for anyone to remember every detail of sexual assault, Jack says. Human nature is that some finer details of any event, both tragic or not, can “get fuzzy over time,” he says.

“Do you think Babe Ruth remembered every single home run he ever hit in his lifetime,” Jack asked rhetorically. “Same thing with me and my rapes. I’ve raped so much they all tend to just bleed into each other.”

This story is developing.


James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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