WASHINGTON, D.C. — In just a few short hours, President Donald Trump will use a new FEMA alert system and broadcast a test message to, ostensibly, every mobile phone in the country. Sources say he’s worked diligently on crafting the first test message — a historic first — and that he’s worked out all the details.
“Folks, my people and I have come up with, and I’m not in any way bragging — because you know I don’t brag — but,” Trump told reporters this morning, “we have come up with the perfect racist joke.”
Silence quickly filled the Oval Office, and President Trump knew he should fill that silence.
“Perfect, folks, really, very perfect,” Trump reiterated. “A lot of people would’ve probably chosen the wrong racist joke; but not me, boy. I knew I had assembled before me the exact team I needed to craft a racist joke, and they didn’t disappoint.”
Early this summer, Trump asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to join him and Stephen Miller at the White House for a joke writing session.
“I may think he’s a spineless, recusing cuck, but Jeff might be the most racist one in my administration, and he does it with that rat-faced smile of his,” Trump said approvingly. “I knew if I put Jeff and Stephen together, the racist jokes would be, mmmm-mmm-mmmmmm, perfect! And well, like everything in this administration, it is!”
Just to be sure they’d come up with the very best racist joke possible, Trump called in a couple of favors, and even asked for the advice of a familiar, old friend.
“I asked Roseanne Barr, and she said the joke was perfectly racist, in every way, so that was bigly yuge, you understand,” Trump announced. “But Steve Bannon’s approval was really what sealed the deal for me.”
At 2:18 pm ET, Trump will send his alert.