Kavanaugh Issues Apology For Habitually, Repeatedly, Incessantly Missing Signals He Should Pull Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is under intense, unrelenting scrutiny the past few days as seemingly each new day brings a new accuser to the fore, alleging sexual impropriety in the least, and attempted rape in the worst case scenario.

Some have wondered why Kavanaugh chose to go on Fox News with his wife this week and bring even more attention to himself and the his nomination when in years past, a nominee would have probably withdrawn over the first accusation. With a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing scheduled for later this week, Kavanaugh has taken yet another seeminly unprecedented step. Judge Kavanaugh has issued an apology to the nation for what he calls a “lifelong blindspot” when it comes to “picking up on signals and both non-verbal and verbal cues.”

Our editorial staff has decided to reprint Kavanaugh’s letter to America, verbatim, below.


My Fellow Americans (Especially the Corporate Ones Who I Have Served So Faithfully),

Firstly, let me just reiterate how much I want to be a Supreme Court Justice. I, like, rilly, rilly, rilly want it. Badly. Bigly badly, I guess you could say considering whose ring I had to kiss and whose balls I had to cup to get here. So just keep that in mind, okay, how much I want this to happen for me. If we don’t live in a country where a white man can’t just have whatever it is he wants, regardless of how he’s behaved in the past, then we don’t live in America anymore, I’m sad to report.

Secondly, let me also state, for the record, that I speak very eloquently. I use a lot of big, ten cent words. Don’t I sound like a judge? Isn’t it easy to imagine me on a bench, issuing opinions, because of how well I speak? Doesn’t my loquaciousness entitle me to just a soupcon of sexually predatory abuse as a young man? Well, I happen to think so, and so does your Dear President. As anyone who has read my opinions can tell you, I truly believe in the all powerful authority of the president, so really, his opinion should be all that matters here.

But apparently, we’re still a country where people get to speak their mind. Also apparently, and I don’t get how this keeps happening, but women are allowed to report their life’s traumas, even decades later, after repressing the memories doesn’t work, or they’re triggered by, say, someone who tried to rape her being nominated for a prestigious, lifelong appointment. I know, I don’t get it, you’d think there’s some statute of limitations on abuse victims telling the truth — but I did the research and came up empty there, so…

What I’m left to do is be extremely frank and open with you, the American community, about who I am. I am Brett Kavanaugh, and I have always had a lifelong blindspot and have a hard time picking up on signals and both verbal, and non-verbal, cues. That self-unawareness, not my deeply rooted — but heavily sublimated and repressed — belief in male supremacy and entitlement to sexual gratification, which I then unleashed on unsuspecting women in booze fueled lapses of judgment, is my real problem. Trust me.

But here’s the catch — you can totally, super-duper trust me that it’s all in the past. Sure, my prior actions, including yearbook messages, and other stories from people in my past, paint a picture of a guy who barely tries to hide his misogyny and couch his sexism in intellectual arguments. But I promise I’ll let women keep their own sexual autonomy, and I’m definitely not crossing my fingers behind my back while I write this.

Welp, that’s all I gots for now, fam. Remember — I’m sorry, but not for any sexual misconduct. I’m sorry for not ever being able to figure out where and I’m not wanted, and when I should just pull out. 

Toodles,

B. Kavs


This is a developing story.


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