WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate Judiciary Committee has been interviewing Judge Brett Kavanaugh as part of the Supreme Court confirmation process — a process that Senate Majority Leader denied former President Barack Obama’s final, lawful nominee, Judge Merrick Garland — this week.
During one surprisingly tense but illuminating exchange, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) grilled Kavanaugh, a man he considers a personal friend as well as a party mate, about whether or not it was legal for sitting Senators to eat their boogers on national TV, as well as the constitutionality of “being a religious sycophant.”
“Now, Judge Kavanaugh we all know and recognize as good, clean, ammo hoarding American Christian patriots understand that you will be tasked with using legal text from over 240 years ago to justify taking away rights from women and minorities,” Cruz told Kavanaugh during one exchange. “As is surely what our Founders would intend. But I want to clear up some rumors I’ve heard, and frankly they are disturbing AF, sir.”
Cruz, wiping some snot from under his nose into his mouth, continued.
“I’ve heard some rumors that you, Judge Kavanaugh, do not support senators eating their boogers on live, national TV,” Cruz said. “Frankly, that is incredibly concerning. Can you explain these rumors to me?”
“How dare you sir? We have been friends for years and now, I ask you, on the largest stage you have stood upon before, to simply defend my very American practice of booger eating,” Cruz said, “and you can’t even stand shoulder to shoulder with me? I have to tell you, this gives me great pause about your nomination. I mean, whether or not you’ll help the president out by later arguing that Trump can’t be indicted is like a big, ‘Whatever, man’ to me, but if you don’t support the rule of booger eating, you cannot be a faithful justice.”
Kavanaugh started to speak, but Cruz cut him off.
“You just hold your horses, partner,” Cruz said, taking on the affectation of a cowboy, despite being born in Canada and having been Harvard educated. “I ain’t gonna let you impugn my ability to slurp my saliva!”
Again Kavanaugh tried to interject, but Cruz wasn’t having any of it.
“I AM NOT HAVING ANY OF THIS! My right as a red blooded, homophobic, Christofascist American to eat my own boogers will not be usurped by you, or anyone,” Cruz howled. “I love you like a brother, my Republican Compatriot, but if you seek to strip me of my right to self-booger nourishment, then I must surely oppose your nomination sir!”
At the time of publication, Cruz was still talking, as he could still hear his own voice, which is really all he cares about in life anyway.