WASHINGTON, D.C. — From sea to shining sea, from New York to California, from red states to blue states to confederate states that vote like red states, all over the U.S., American flags are being lowered to half mast, in honor of the late Sen. John McCain (R-AZ).
But flags aren’t the only thing mourning McCain by being half-way up. McCain’s penis is attempting to honor the body that carried it for over 80 years. According to several sources close to the situation, McCain’s ever present war boner, the trouser turgidity he’d experience whenever discussing an American war, or an American war he was hoping to help start, is now at half mast as well.
“For all the years John and I were together, we were an inseparable team,” War Boner McCain wrote in a statement that was published today. “I couldn’t think of any better honor than to stand at half mast, saluting decades of being the number one, top shill for American Imperialism and the Military Industrial Complex.”
McCain passed away a few short days ago after a year long battle against brain cancer. Doctors discovered his tumor when performing surgery to remove a blood clot from behind one of McCain’s eyes. It had been speculated for some time, however, that there was perhaps something amiss with his brain since he still defended the invasion of Iraq during the George W. Bush presidency. War Boner McCain said that only showed his partner’s “steadfast devotion to sending men fifty years his junior to die for a bumper sticker slogan.”
“In John’s eyes, there was never an eighteen year old too young with too bright a future ahead of him that wouldn’t be better of dead in a desert,” War Boner wrote. “I couldn’t let him leave this mortal coil without one, final semi-turgid salute to the youth of America doing the bidding of rich old men who have no intention of putting their own lives on the line for anything.”
War Boner plans to stay at half mast until McCain’s full body is laid in its final resting place, later this weekend. War Boner ended his tribute to McCain with a popular refrain that the formerly alive senator seemed to love very much.
“Bomb, bomb, bomb. Bomb Iran,” War Boner wrote. “And of course, literally everywhere else. Because that’s how you get peace — through wanton destruction.”
This story is developing.