PUTA RACISTA VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — When right-wing firebrand commentator and flaming cross in a dress Ann Coulter released her new book, “Resistance is Futile,” many people might have assumed that it was her usual fare — political diatribes and philosophical discussions on just how racist one needs to be in order to truly own the title “patriot.”
However, while Coulter’s book certainly does contain plenty of conservative screeds, the majority of it is a cookbook, and every recipe features one key ingredient.
“This book was a real labor of love, and I’m so proud that I came up with so many ways to incorporate Orange Emperor Daddy President’s cum into them all,” Coulter said. “It tastes great! NO REALLY, TRUST ME! IT TASTES GREAT!”
Coulter was doing a book signing and burning at a local She Belongs In Barns and Noble and discussing her cookbook/modern Confederate manifesto.
“I wanted to write a book that praised the most corrupt, inept, stupid administration and pretended it’s been a great first couple years,” Coulter said. “But I also wanted everyone to know, like I do, how great Don’s dick tastes. His dick is like his presidency, no matter how bad everyone else tells you it is, it’s actually amazing! All you have to do is ignore your senses, and immediately put something else in your mouth!”
Ms. Coulter insists she’s “very unbiased except against non-whites” and says that she could tell people honestly if Trump’s semen didn’t taste “absolutely amazing.”
“I myself have found the taste of his baby batter to be exquisite, no matter how corrupt, inept, or stupid he and his administration end up being,” Coulter said, happily reading a book on late 19th century lynchings in America. “The liberal media will tell you that Trump’s cum doesn’t taste that great, but don’t believe them; believe me, the Nazi broomstick in a blonde wig, instead.”
Coulter took time during the book signing to simply heap praise on Trump.
“I think every time he makes a mistake it’s actually good,” Ms. Coulter said. “On an unrelated note, have you ever noticed how dry water is?”
Just as she was leaving, Coulter turned to the three people who didn’t work at the book store, who weren’t even there to see her anyway, and gave a long-winded, five minute speech about how smart she was for supporting Trump, and then also finished with some more pontification about him.
“There can be no doubt Trump is and always will be the best president named Donald Trump ever,” Coulter said, “and therefore it’s our patriotic duty to slurp down as much of his coagulated Orange Fanta jizz as possible, know what I mean, fam?”