WASHINGTON, D.C. — This year, Vice President Mike Pence will make a joint address to both houses of Congress in a rare move he hopes will inspire lawmakers to craft a new bill President Trump can sign into law that would put a very early cap on when abortions could be legally performed.
“For many years, we conservatives have argued that life begins at conception,” Pence told those attending a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today. “But it’s time to set our ideological boundaries even tighter, because that’s what fighting for the life of every human — until they are born at which point literally FUCK THEM — means sometimes being willing to step up your fight!”
Pence will ask congress to write a law that legally sets the point that life begins at “pre-cum.”
“Some may be asking what pre-cum is,” Pence said. “For me, it’s the moment right before I enter Mother for the Holy purpose of making a baby — AND NO OTHER REASON EVER — and I happen to flashback to watching Brian Boitano’s gold medal winning performance. Or of all those Colts players lined up, the quarterback sidling up in between the center’s legs, and…well, you get the point. It’s the cum you get before the baby cum, fam.”
Pence explained that “every drop of precious potential human juice” must be preserved at all costs.
“We cannot afford to have a single sperm cell die without having a legitimate chance to swim up inside a female’s, and I believe I’m using the correct term here,” Pence checked a sheet of paper on the podium, “Who-who-dilly-dilly-ding-do-dee. That’s what we call it in our house anyway. Because every time I try to use one of the other words, my Little Mike crawls up inside my tummy and I have to go watch collegiate wrestling on my TV with the sound off and a jar of Crisco.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said it was an idea he “can support fully.”
“In fact, I just sent one of my aides over to the national archives with some white out for the First Amendment,” McConnell said. “We get rid of that pesky part about not establishing a state religion, and we can have all kindsa fun!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.