MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former alleged actor and martial artist Steven Seagal will be the next President of the United States of America. Or, at least that’s what Mr. Seagal is telling close friends and relatives after Russian President Vladimir Putin tapped him to be a special envoy to the United States.
“Vlad doesn’t ask washed-up, has-been American assholes to work with or for him unless he’s grooming them to be president,” Steven was overheard telling his friends while enjoying a meal at a Russian tea house recently. “So it only goes to reason that right here, right now, you’re looking at the next president, baby!”
Over fifteens separate intelligence agencies have concluded that Putin wanted Trump to defeat Hillary Clinton enough that he ordered an influence campaign to disrupt the election and hopefully swing it to Trump. Mr. Trump has had long held business interests with Russians, but has flatly denied any collusion between his campaign and the Kremlin. However, it’s now common knowledge his son, Donald Trump Jr., attended a meeting with other key Trump campaign advisers at Trump Tower, with several Russia-linked figures. Trump’s explanation of the meeting has shifted quite often.
“You think Vlad will send the piss whores to me, or do I have to go to, like, a special piss whore brothel? I’m good with either,” Seagal was heard saying. “Man, I wonder if Vlad will let me sign an executive order declaring all my movies from the late 90’s and early 2000’s box office blockbuster hits? I’ll be sure to ask him.”
Seagall was seen dancing away, twirling, and spinning in a herky-jerky motion. The White House has responded to the rumors that Seagal seems to have started with their usual flair for presidential decorum, and wizened, mature dialogue.
“Steven Seagall is a fat stupid cunt and go fuck himself,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders read a statement from her boss this morning in front of the White House. “We all know the way it works in America. A man is president, then his dopey son, then his more dopey son, then his wife and daughter, as long as Ivanka’s up for it of course. We’ll have no more of this gibberish about someone else being president ever again.”
This story is developing.