LA ORINA DA SATANÁS, ARIZONA — Seth Lindstrom, The High Chieftain of The Temple of Dark Red — a Satanic cult whose practices include the sacrifice of live goats and fornicating with skunks — has issued a statement regarding Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ announcement of a “religious freedom task force,” praising Mr. Sessions for giving his church the right to “discriminate like a motherfucker against Christians.”
Attorney General Sessions announced this week that the Trump administration was creating the religious freedom task force to protect the First Amendment’s promise that the government would never pass a law to promote or discourage one religion over another. It is widely considered a nod to Trump’s Christian religious right base to have the task force created, but Lindstrom’s statement seems to indicate that he and his congregation of skunk humping, goat sacrificing Satanists are just as ecstatic about the task force.
“The Temple of Dark Red stands shoulder to shoulder with Attorney General Jeff Sessions, because we really, truly believe he wants to protect our freedom of religious expression just as much as the Christian church down the street,” Lindstrom wrote. “Nothing makes us happier than the thought of one of our congregants who happens to be a doctor refusing to treat a Christian based on his deeply held religious beliefs.”
Lindstrom writes that for years he and his church have “operated under the guise of true respect for all religious beliefs,” but that now things will be different.
“Clearly, we were mistaken to take the First Amendment as a safeguard against any one religious organization forcing this country to become a theocracy, de facto or otherwise,” Lindstrom wrote. “And instead we should have done the American Christian thing and ignored Christ’s teachings, instead choosing to only look out for ourselves. So that policy of grudging tolerance toward Christians will now change, and we have every confidence that Attorney General Sessions will defend our right to discriminate based on our deeply held religious beliefs just like he’ll defend Diabetus Cletus’ rights.”
Reached for comment, Attorney General Sessions said he is “outraged and incensed” at Lindstrom’s statement.
“How dare that man think he has a right to express his religion freely in this great, Christian nation of ours? I’m sorry, but I have read nothing in our laws or our Constitution that says he can just,” Sessions was saying as someone slipped a copy of the Constitution under his nose.
Sessions read the First Amendment, took his glasses off, and then put the Constitution down on the ground. Removing his pants, he squatted down over the paper. Making several grunting faces, Sessions wound up pushing out a small Stephen Miller from his rectum.
“There, now my actions have matched my policies in subtext,” Sessions said. “My name’s Jeff. And I’m outttaaaaaaaaaaaa heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee.”
Sessions took off his suit coat, and a pair of wings sprouted from his back. Cackling, Attorney General Sessions was last seen flying toward the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle. It’s not known at this time, however, what Kellyanne Conway wanted with Sessions.
This is a developing story.