WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a perhaps foreseen but surprising move nevertheless, President Trump has issued a statement denying any and all knowledge of the existence of “a thing called Trump Tower.”
“The Fake News CNN story about me knowing about a meeting between Dumbfuck Son Number One and some Russians is so fake,” Trump’s statement reads. “First off because it’s from Fake News CNN and you know that you can’t trust anything you hear them say unless it’s positive about me, and then they are, temporarily, un-fake news. But second off, and this is the most important part — I’ve heard of a thing called Trump Tower in my life.”
Trump’s statement denied that a Trump Tower exists.
“Frankly, I don’t think it even exists, and even if it does, that doesn’t mean anything,” Trump said. “But for reals though, what’s Trump Tower? Someone tell me, because I’m, like, totally confused and stuff.”
Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was too busy fucking a hardened piece of Kentucky coal to “give too much thought” to this new development.
“Leader McConnell will not stop in the middle of one of his favorite pastimes to address spurious allegations and irrelevant nonsense like presidential treason,” McConnel’s office said in a statement. “As soon as you all evidence that Trump helped Obama be black and a Democrat, we’ll listen. Until then, we have a country to destroy, thank you very much.”
Rudy Giuliani, the president’s current attorney, responded to this news.
“I’d just like to say that unlike previous attorneys who were paid to lie on a regular basis for Trump,” Giuliani said, “I am not lying for money. I’m also lying to get my face plastered in the papers, because everyone needs to see more of my battered rotten pumpkin face, don’t you think?”
This is a developing story.