WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are confirming at the time of publication that the odor of the dinner Russian president Vladimir Putin had the night before the Helsinki summit on President Donald Trump’s breath.
“This morning, the president finished his usual routine of pre-dawn Twitter tantrums and cold fried chicken while sitting on the toilet,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “When he came down to the Oval, Chief of Staff John Kelly was the first to notice that he didn’t smell any fried chicken on the president’s breath; just borscht, vodka, and Beef Stroganoff.”
The presidents’ summit in Finland this week left a trail of shock, disappointment, and outrage. So much negative buzz was generated by Trump’s seeming capitulation to Putin on the subject of Russia’s election interference that Trump had to make an attempt to walk back his comments that he made in front of the Russian president. It is the judgment of the U.S. and other intelligence communities that Putin ordered an influence campaign and cyber attack on the United States, but to this day Trump has not publicly condemned Putin by name, despite his own law national security apparatus having such confidence in the Kremlin’s guilt.
“I tell you what, it was as if Putin ate his dinner, digested it, and then had the president open his mouth so Putin could shit it down Trump’s gullet,” one anonymous White House source told us. “We looked at the tapes of the Helsinki press conference and determined Putin was already in a position to shit down the president’s throat, so this doesn’t seem too far fetched a premise, though it’s a bit crazy and could just be a satirical sketch idea, who knows?”
Initially, staffers found comfort that Trump’s breath still had some of its usual “acidic burn” and “fetid asshole” smell, Huckabee Sanders said. Quickly, however, they determined that something wasn’t quite right.
“As always we could detect a hint of treason on his breath,” Sanders told reporters, “but that didn’t answer the question as to why his breath smelled like Putin’s dinner.”
Reached for comment, former White House Doctor Ronny Jackson called this development a “true modern miracle of medicine and biology.”
“Just like President Trump, who is eight fee tall and weighs just 200 pounds of pure, cut muscle,” Jackson said in a prepared statement.
This story is developing.