LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Two former Republican presidential candidates — Hermain Cain and Dr. Ben Carson — are buying embattled pizza chain Papa John’s and giving it a face life, or at least a name change.
“Herman and I were discussing all this hubbub and furor over Mr. Schnatter using the N-word on that conference call,” Dr. Carson told reporters at a press conference announcing the business deal. “And first of all, let me just say that I don’t think a boss saying the N-word is that a big deal, because I hear my boss say that word all the time and I haven’t died yet.”
Mr. Cain agreed with Carson that the word isn’t that big of a deal.
“Let me say in the most shuckiest and duckiest terms, I agree with my good friend, Mr. Doctor Benjamin Carson,” Cain said. “The N-word isn’t that big a deal. Also, while we’re on the subject, as two black men we’d like to stand before you today and declare racism over in America. Okay? So you heard it here first, two black men say racism is dead in America, so we can stop even caring about it, okay?”
Dr. Carson, who is also currently serving under President Donald Trump as the Housing and Urban Development Secretary, said that the decision to buy Papa John’s was a “no brainer” and when he and Cain got together to discuss how to run the company, they knew they had to change the name of the chain.
“We didn’t want people are used to Papa John’s award adjacent cardboard-tastic pizza and top-down culture of white, elitist racism to be scared when two urbans bought the chain,” Carson said. “And we also wanted to signal that we’re not uppity, hostile blacks. We’re servile, boot licking ones.”
That’s why, Cain said, the chose for the pizza shop’s new name was so easy to agree on.
“Once the sale is finalized, we will file all the necessary paperwork and our pizza chain will be re-christened,” Cain said. “We think everyone will love Uncle Toms pizza, too.”
Cain and Carson reiterated that they have no plans to change any of the menu items whatsoever, only the name.
“We have no plans at all to change the pizza,” Carson said. “After all, if it’s shitty, bland pizza at a price so low we have no choice but to pay our employees slave wages that you came to love about Papa John’s, we want Uncle Toms to give you the same exact experience.”
Before ending the press conference, Carson gave those in attendance a fifteen minute treatise on his theory that the pyramids were ancient Egyptian pizza ovens.