BEDFORD FOREST, WEST VIRGINIA — Ed Foy would never, ever have done it if he hadn’t run out of Ambien, his sleep aid prescription, of that he couldn’t possibly be more assured.
“I take Ambien because I have a hard time sleeping at night, what with the constant threat of the Deep State coup that Killary Clit-stoned and Barack Hussein MUSLIM Obama started by rigging the election so they’d lose it,” Foy told us via Skype, “Usually I make sure to always have at least a couple days’ worth of pills, but I plumb ran out, and I only got, like, two or three hours of crappy sleep the night before the, um, incident.”
Foy tells us that when he returned to his local pharmacy to refill his prescription for Ambien, his pharmacist told him they were on backorder, but would be arriving in the next couple of days. Mr. Foy lives in a rural area in West Virginia and it can sometimes take a couple days for items that Americans living in more urban settings might take for granted being available more easily. Foy says he wasn’t too concerned initially, and the first night without his medication was “rough but manageable.”
“The next day, though, after that first night, I had one of the most frightening experiences in my life,” Ed told us.
That’s because as he was coming out of the hardware store, Foy ran smack into Miguel Olivo, a third generation American whose grandparents immigrated from Guatamala in the 1960’s. Ed says that he usually just avoids people of color when in public, given that he’s the Town Racist. It’s an arrangement he says that he and his town’s fellow citizens is best to maintain the peace.
“Everyone knows I consider my skin color an accomplishment and I genuinely believe white culture is a thing,” Foy said. “And I acknowledge that people of color for some reason still have the impression they’re entitled to equal treatment under the law. I agreed to not burn any more crosses on lawns, but they told me flat out I’m allowed a dozen racial epithets a month.”
Except, this time, instead of calling Mr. Olivo a name, Mr. Foy says he did something that he still hasn’t quite recovered from.
“I tipped my cap! Can you believe it,” Foy said. “I actually tipped my cap to the guy, and here’s the kicker, I didn’t call him a single, solitary derogatory term. I was still shaking off the shock from that encounter when I got to the grocery store and a black guy parked his car next to mine.”
Mr. Foy simply got out of his car, smiled at the man, and didn’t mutter anything racist under his breath about him.
“I knew I was tired, there was no denying that,” Foy said. “I just had no idea that once the Ambien wore off, my racism and ignorance would too! All of a sudden, everywhere I looked, I just saw ordinary Americans living their lives, regardless of their skin color.”
“Truly horrifying,” he said. “Thank God I found an online retailer that said they’d ship a six month supply of the stuff. Because I need my sleep, sure, but take away my irrational fear of people of color, and what do I have? Is this even America anymore?”