This story was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, first responders are still trying to extricate the Attorney General of the United States from what sources close to the scene are calling a “dire situation that could rapidly descend into a life and death situation.” Currently, Jeff Sessions is trapped in a package of Keebler “E.L. Fudge” brand cookies, and crews initially had a hard time finding which package in the factory contains him. The E.L. Fudge line are sandwich cookies shaped like a Keebler elf with brown chocolate ganache in the middle.
Emergency workers told the press that at just after 10:00am this morning they got a call from a local food wholesaler. He told them he could hear muffled shouts and screams from within the boxes that held the cookies, which he was about to start loading into delivery trucks. The warehouse owner told emergency crews that the shouts kept making references to “demon weed” and “only bad people smoke it,” which is when the Department of Justice called 911 to report Sessions had not returned from his daily jog around the park where he liked to imagine how many black people he could have arrested on suspicion of marijuana possession if obstacles like “due process and lack of evidence” weren’t in the way.
When they arrived, they began to search at a quick pace for Mr. Sessions.
“We were frantically searching for Attorney General sessions when we arrived on the scene,” one EMT told us, “and the only way we knew it was Mr. Sessions and not a miniature elf sandwich cookie was that he kept blurting out racist epithets when his anxiety peaked.”
Another EMT told reporters that eventually they were able to find the box that contained the package of E.L. Fudge cookies that Sessions was trapped in. When they got Sessions out, finally, he reportedly was in good condition. Sessions was found with chocolate filling smeared all over his back, and a sandwich cookie shaped like an elf that bore a striking resemblance to Sessions was stuck to his back.
“It weren’t so bad,” Sessions said in his trademark drawl, “but I wish to all hell they could’ve used a white filling. I just don’t know how I feel about being brown inside instead of beautiful, pure, white. Know what I mean? Of course you do. YEEE-HAW!”
At one point, the emergency response team considered leaving and letting Sessions be found by someone buying cookies.
Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.
“We thought it’d be kind of ironic and funny if someone buying them because they had the munchies found him,” one EMT told us, “but we didn’t want to risk him suffocating in there all by his little racist elf self.”
eneral Sessions explained to the media and responding workers what had happened in the run up to him falling into the machine that finalizes preparation of the E.L. Fudge cookies before they are packaged.
“I was taking a tour of this lovely facility,” Sessions said, “which I hadn’t seen sinc I left the family cookie business all those years ago to go and be a racist lawyer in Alabama. And I thought I smelled some marijuana, which of course made me angry and I needed to investigate.”
Sessions says he searched through every corridor and hallway, and walked right by a “nice, lovely Caucasian man smoking a cigarette full of green leafy stuff,” and he simply shook the man’s hand and kept looking for the person smoking pot.
“Clearly he was someone I could trust,” Sessions said, “and I kept walking. But I felt a little woozy after I interacted with him, almost like just having contact with the gentleman got me a little buzzed. And I walked right into the machine that was packaging E.L. Fudge cookies, and then next thing you know, I’m here explaining it all to you.”
Sessions was checked out by the EMTs and cleared to return to work, which he did shortly thereafter.