NRA Spokesterrorist Suggests Schools Relocate To Colt, Bushmaster Factories

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Dana Loesch, the NRA’s official spokesterrorist, recently told a group of gun enthusiasts that she thinks the Parkland, Florida school shooting survivors are “flagrantly using their First Amendment rights” and that they are “misguidedly trying to move the nation’s discourse out of the 18th century and into modern times.”

Loesch lambasted the #NeverAgain movement and the students who started it for being “naive enough to think being shot at” gives them “any good perspectives on gun violence.”┬áMs. Loesch also said that the students and even lawmakers who support things like bump stock and assault rifle bans or universal background checks are “missing one huge, golden opportunity” to make schools safer.

“I have an idea, and maybe one of you can ask the libtards what they think about this,” Loesch said, stroking a 9mm sidearm she keeps holstered at all times like a Bond villain strokes his cat. “Why don’t we just put schools in the Colt and Bushmaster factories? Seems like it gives we conservatives what we want and desperately need — more guns around our kids at all times.”

Ms. Loesch was among the speakers who addressed the NRA’s yearly convention this past weekend. Other speakers were the President and Vice President of the United States of America. Despite being a pro-gun organization, the NRA acquiesced to the Secret Service’s demands, and made the portions of the convention that featured Trump and Pence restricted from firearms. Ms. Loesch spoke to NRA board execs across the country on a conference call this morning.

“The convention was a huge success. Just huge,” Loesch said. “I really think all over this country people are realizing that sending our kids to schools in gun free zones is far more dangerous that sending kids to schools where every adult probably has a firearm on them. But I just don’t think arming teachers or putting guards out front will do enough. We need to have our kids in the gun factories themselves, because literally there is no place safer in the entire world!”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

Loesch says that while she backs putting “as many armed guards in schools as possible,” she worries that too will only be a temporary solution.

“Eventually, someone will get through again, and there will be a shooting at a school with tons of armed guards,” Loesch said. “So we have to ask ourselves, is there not any other solution? Is there not any further we can take this hypothesis of ours, that literally you need to have as many guns as possible surrounding your children at all times, otherwise they aren’t remotely safe at all?”

Taxes wouldn’t need to be raised to move schools to gun factories, Loesch says, because of another benefit to her plan.

“The gun makers can just put our kids to work,” Loesch said. “Making guns, learning a trade, and getting substandard education? If you ask me, that’s as American as apple pie and cops shooting unarmed black people.”

James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

More from James Schlarmann

Report: John Kelly Urging OJ Simpson To Replace Rob Porter In The Trump Administration

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are today saying that...
Read More