LAKE OF FIRE, ETERNITY — From deep within the bowels of Hell, a deep, gravely voice of befuddled confusion was heard according to after life media outlets. When Hellish authorities responded to the distressed resident, who they found pacing his living quarters and watching Fox News, they say they found a man inside who was “visibly shaken and confused.”
“I swear to God, it’s like I’m having the most unreal case of deja vu right now,” the spirit of Richard Nixon told the demonic orderlies who came to his room after hearing him cry out in confusion instead of anguish as they were used to hearing from residents. “It just just feels like it did almost fifty years ago, is all.”
On the Satanic boob tube was a report that President Donald J. Trump was seriously considering firing the Deputy FBI Director Rod Rosenstein, who Trump himself appointed last year after he fired James Comey. In firing Mr. Comey, Trump touched off an independent, special counsel’s investigation into Russian interference and possible collusion with the Trump campaign during the 2016 presidential election. Robert Mueller, himself a former FBI Director, has been overseeing the investigation, and Mr. Comey’s book, “A Higher Loyalty,” is due to hit shelves next week, when it is expected to debut on the New York Times Bestseller list.
Earlier in the day, President Trump had lashed out on Twitter at Comey, calling him among other names, a “lying slime ball.” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders spent time during a press briefing reiterating Trump’s attacks on Comey, and even amplifying them. Nixon told the orderlies that seeing a sitting president verbally assail the country’s top law enforcement, agents that ostensibly work under his direction, was giving him a “tingly feeling” on the back of his neck.
“Every time that orange man screams FAKE NEWS or NO COLLUSION at the top of his lungs, it really sounds like, ‘I am not a crook’ in my ears,'” Nixon complained. “I think maybe I might need some kind of hearing examination to make sure my ears are still working right.”
The devilish orderlies told Mr. Nixon that he sounded like he just needed some unfresh air, so they took him to Hell’s diarrhea room, which is exactly what it sounds like — a room full of diarrhea. Nixon walked in and took a deep, unclean breath. He nodded to the orderlies who led him back to his living quarters. Within moments of hearing another Fox News report that Trump could fire Rosenstein to make way for someone who would fire Mueller, Nixon said he was again feeling strange.
“Damn it! There’s something I just can’t put my finger on about all this,” Nixon said. “So strange. A president wants to fire the people investigating his potentially criminal behavior, and he thinks that will somehow relieve the pressure and end this whole ordeal. Goddamn that sounds familiar, but I just can’t for the life of me figure out why!”
This story is developing.