Trump Touts Rising Approval Ratings Among White Conservative Christian Middle Aged Men Named Jack In Red MAGA Hats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire time President Donald Trump has been in office, his Gallup approval rating has never reached 50%.

One time, just days after he took office, it reached its high watermark of 45%, with it hitting a staggering low of 35% on four separate occasions. This morning, President Trump took to his favorite social media platform to crow about his approval rating hitting the 50% point, in just one poll.

In a tweet, Trump thanked historically right-leaning Rasmussen for its “honest polling” that shows he has the support of half the people polled. Previously, Rasmussen had shown a high mark of 48%. President Trump’s tweet, below.

A few hours later, after a joint White House press conference with presidents of Eastern European nations, Trump returned to the Oval Office where he told reporter droids from Sinclair Broadcasting that his approval ratings are “much bigly higher” than 50% among a demographic he says the “fake lugenpresse” will never tell America about.

“When you look at my numbers, not only are they absolutely, verifiably at least six times higher than Buh-lack Obummer’s were for all Americans,” Trump said, “but among guys who are white, Christian, conservative, middle aged, named Jack, and wearing Make America Great Again hats, they’re at 100%.”

Trump said that if the “cucks who came up with math” hadn’t “written all their dumb rules,” his White Conservative Christian Middle Aged Men Named Jack In Red MAGA Hats Approval rating, or WCCMAMNJIRMHA as it is known to political scientists, would be “so high Jeff Sessions would want to arrest it.”

“I bet it would be 200%, 300%, or even six squabillion percent if the cucks who came up with math hadn’t been such puss-ass bitches and written all their dumb rules,” Trump said. “But, it’s okay, we’ll be professional winners and just have Congress change the laws of math while they nuke the filibuster in the Senate and officially give my sons the naming rights to the House of Representatives. Trump House of Reps has a real nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

From in the corner, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, hearing Trump ask a question, responded right away. Putting down her chocolate covered cinnamon strudel, deep fried in pork fat and served with caramel dipping sauce, Huckabee agreed with Trump.

“Yes, Mr. President, that does have a nice ring to it,” Huckabee said with almost no emotion in her voice. “You are so right. You are always right. I am so lucky to work for you. Hail Trump!”

Huckabee Sanders sat back down and finished up her strudel, washing it down with a 32-ounce cup of molten nacho cheese.

“Frankly, I don’t care what my approval ratings are because I think they should be unconstitutional,” Trump said. “A president being forced to listen to his subjects, excuse me plebs, excuse me fellow citizens, sounds like the most un-American thing ever. I believe the beautiful, perfect Electoral College gets it exactly right — fuck the people. Except the people who are white, middle aged, Christian, conservative, named Jack, and wearing red MAGA hats. Obviously those guys know what’s up, fam.”

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James’ satire is found on this publication, Alternative Facts., Alternative Science, The Pastiche Post, and The Political Garbage Chute.

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