FALLOWT FALLS, NEVADA — As President Donald Trump selected hawkish conservative and former Ambassador John Bolton as his third National Security Adviser in just over a year, many people on both sides of the aisle began to worry.
Bolton was a proponent of the Iraq War. He still stridently defends it, even though the effort is largely considered a mistake, and even his new boss campaigned in 2016 telling the country he didn’t support it. There have been fears expressed that Bolton will push the foreign policy of this administration beyond even that of neoconservative administrations like former President George W. Bush, commander in chief during the Iraq invasion.
Someone has emerged on the scene, however, and that someone wants to “put a calming, white hot hand on everyone’s shoulders” about Bolton’s hiring. Shroomy Magillicuddy — a single mushroom cloud left over from U.S. government’s nuclear testing of the 1960’s in the Nevada desert — held a press conference this morning. During the presser, Shroomy made it abundantly clear he trusts the leadership of Trump, and the “sagacious unhinged war mongering” of Bolton, and thinks Americans should give the pair a chance to succeed before panicking too much.
“As a mushroom cloud, I can assure the American public of one thing when it comes to Ambassador John Bolton,” Shroomy told reporters. “He will help move the country in a more sane and rational direction. If you can’t trust a mushroom cloud to know sound foreign policy, who can you trust?”
Shroomy said that he believes Bolton will bring “the right mix of trigger happiness and toxic nationalism” the country, and indeed the world, has needed for quite some time.
“If there is one thing about the Obama years we learned, it’s that we need a more ‘shoot first, aim at some point way, way, way, way down the line’ strategy with our enemies,” Shroomy said. “And the best part is that with John in the mix, literally everyone is an enemy!”
Mr. Magilicuddy said that he sees Bolton “really turning some heads” and “thinking so far outside the box you forget there was ever a box in the first place.”
“Bolton is going to have us in a very good posture, looking to strike at a moment’s notice,” Shroomy said. “Some might think his sycophantic and dogmatic adherence to 20th, or even 19th century foreign policy goals is dangerous in the modern world. But I ask you this, who else will have the courage to tell Trump he needs to nuke California to take care of the illegal Mexican problem?”
In the end, Shroomy feels that Bolton and Trump are “two doddering old saber rattlers in a pod.” He thinks that the two will work quite well together, and that there’s a reason for his postulation of success.
“John Bolton is a threat to the security of this and every nation, given that he can’t help but get a little chub on from every potential war,” Shroomy said. “Trump himself is a national security threat, considering he was installed with help from a foreign adversary. Seems like they’re two doddering old saber rattlers in a pod.”
Shroomy said that the country will “truly benefit” from Bolton’s wisdom.
“If you love it when things go boom, Bolton’s your guy,” Shroomy told reporters. “Everyone knows the only way you bring about peace in our time is glassing entire populations. Can we really say we live in peace if we aren’t in a state of perpetual war?”
The White House could not be reached for comment.