Trump Tells Mueller FBI Better Not Send Any Democrats To Arrest Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has sent a sternly worded letter to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, demanding that any FBI agents sent to arrest him belong to the Republican Party.

It was reported earlier this month that Mueller has subpoenaed financial records from the Trump Organization, which Mr. Trump had previously called his “red line,” intimating that he’d fire Mueller for digging into his business affairs. Mueller’s investigation is tasked with finding any and all crimes related to the Russian interference campaign conducted during the 2016 presidential election, and whether any collusion between Trump’s campaign and the Kremlin occurred. Mueller is also charged with investigating whether Trump obstructed justice when he fired FBI Director James Comey last year, a firing he has given a few different explanations for.

Below is a direct transcript of the letter Trump sent.

Dear Special Council Miller,

I’m getting the feeling that you rilly want to come after me. Even though I told you a whole buncha times to leave me alone, and not do any investigationalizing into my businesses, you’re sending me subpoenas. As long as my subpoenas are bigger than Obama’s subpoenas, I don’t care, but I want to make sure you know something bigly clearly.

Do not, under any circumstances, send any Democrats to arrest me, if you do end up having me arrested. Okay? It’s bad enough you let Democrats be on your team, because we all know that only Republicans can investigate Republicans, and they also are the only ones who can investigate Democrats. Just ask Trey Gowdy and Darrell Issa. The point is, that Democrats are not allowed to have opinions and also be in the FBI. That’s, like, totally a true law that I will make up and sign into the books right now. I swear to God I’ll do it!

IVANKA, HOW DO I TURN OFF THE FUCKING VOICE TO TEXT SO I CAN GO TAKE A SHIT?! IVANKA?! IVANKAAAAAAAAAAAAA?! GODFUCKINGDAMNIT. I’LL JUST FINISH THIS STUPID FUCKING LETTER FIRST.

Okay where was I? Oh right.

Miller, you listen to me, and you listen to be gooder than you’ve ever listened to anyone before. I’m not saying you can’t arrest me. I’m just saying that you can’t have Democrats do it. They shouldn’t have been able to investigate me because it was a conflict of internships, but if you have Democrats come for me, I swear on my daughter’s sweet ass that you will pay big!

I’m not above having my sons Uday and Qussay lock the Oval Office door and barricade it with couches and chairs, Miller. They made some pretty elaborate blanket forts back when they were kids, Miller. So I would be careful about getting to smug, if I were you!

The bottom line is very simple, and I had my top Nazi vampire, Stephen Miller, verify this for me. Democrats cannot arrest Republicans, it’s in the Constellation!

Kiss My Orange Ass,

Emperor King President Donald J. Trump

P.S. On the other hand, if I was a Democrat for a long time, would you and the Deep State consider going easier on me? I don’t really wanna die in prison for Uncle Vlad. Shit. I’ve said too much. FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS! IVANKA HOW THE FUCK DO I TURN OFF VOICE TO FUCKING TEXT!?

This story is developing.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://www.teechip.com/trumpfamilyvalues

James‘ satire can also be read on Alternative Facts, The Political Garbage Chute, and Alternative Science.

More Satire:

Mike Pence Wonders Who He Has To Blow For John Oliver To Write A Book About Him Instead

California Dispensary Returns Jeff Sessions’ Lost ID

More from James Schlarmann

Trump: ‘Ivanka Helped Me See A Different Perspective On Breastfeeding’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of his presidency thus far, Donald...
Read More