Mike Pence Wonders Who He Has To Blow For John Oliver To Write A Book About Him Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Comedian and talk show host John Oliver recently trolled Vice President Mike Pence by publishing a satirical send-up of Pence’s new children’s book, based on his rabbit named Marlon Bundo. Sales of Oliver’s satirical book have eclipsed the sales of Pence’s book. Oliver told his audience that he wanted to keep the fact that Pence has a family bunny out of the realm of political commentary and criticism, but when Pence decided to add a book tour stop at Focus on the Family — a virulently anti-gay Christian organization — the vice president politicized Marlon Bundo himself, and Oliver felt okay to skewer Pence’s anti-LGBT beliefs with his own book.

Sources close to Pence say he is almost inconsolable over Oliver’s book, but perhaps, not for reasons some might assume.

“Cheese and rice, Mother,” Pence was overheard saying to his wife Karen, “who the stinking heck to I have to blow for Oliver to write a book about me?”

Mrs. Pence apparently just stared blankly at the wall, as she knows by now that Pence demands a biblical wife, one that is quiet, and only speaks when direct, explicit permission to speak is given. She did, however, let out a faint sigh, almost to say, some witnesses guessed, “Here we go again.”

“How does Oliver know I don’t want a love story written with me as the central character,” Pence asked his wife, who still remained entirely silent. “I mean, I think I’m a compelling guy! Look at this lantern jaw! Look at these muscles, for a man my age! I’m a silver fox!”

Mrs. Pence just nodded her head.

“Gosh darn it all to doohickey darn heck, Mother, it’s just totally unfair.” Pence said with anger seeping into his voice. “Why does Marlon Bundo deserve a book about his romantic exploits, but I don’t?”

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Yet again, Karen Pence didn’t respond.

“I mean, who knows? Maybe we could bridge the gap between left and right if they’d just reached out to me and asked me to collaborate,” Pence said. “It’s just so insulting. I’d be a darn good subject for a book, especially a kids book, about falling in love. Okay, Mother, you can speak now, I hereby give you Christ-y permission to say words out loud, provided they are good, clean, Godly words.”

Mrs. Pence cleared her throat.

“Maybe, Mike, it’s a blessing in disguise,” Karen said. “I mean, I don’t know that I want the story of how we fell in love shared with everyone. Aren’t there some things best kept private?”

Pence laughed.

“Who said anything about it being our love story, Mother? I was thinking John could’ve given me the same treatment Marlon got,” Pence said. “I’m just saying, maybe that’d be kind of hot. Like, if there was this fantasy written about me and some hot, dark man falling head over heels for each other. We could see scenes of us holding hands, embracing, kissing on our…manly…masculine…lips…OH SWEET JESUS WHAT AM I SAYING, MOTHER! Quick, get the Pray the Gay Away stick out!”

Mrs. Pence went into the closet and pulled out a long, thin reed, which she began beating her husband with while he begged for ever increasing strength behind her swings.

This story is developing.

James‘ satire can also be found on Alternative Science and Alternative Facts.

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