WARNING: Mature Themes Ahead!
This article contains material that has been deemed by the editorial board as having “mature themes.” Reader discretion is highly advised, however, in an effort to protect the prestigious and sterling reputation of this journalistic constipational institution, we have implored the authors to only use clinical or medical terms.
A lot of online quizzes are out there. They all will pretend like they can predict things about you from just a handful of questions. Usually, these personality tests are related to some pop culture reference or another. I’m sure you’ve seen them.
- Can We Guess Your Age Based On Which Smurfs Character You’d Most Want To Sleep With?
- Tell Us Your Three Favorite Beatles Songs And We’ll Guess When You’ll Die of AIDS!
- Pick The Pasta You Most Want To Have Sex With And We’ll Tell You Which Noodle You Wanna Kanoodle!
We know why websites make up these quizzes. The answer is as plain on the noses on our faces. And that answer is, of course…because website owners are good, kind, humanitarian heroes, and they want to provide the masses with as much real, true insight into their lives as possible. And why is that? I’ll let a guy I once knew called Socrates, explain it for me.
“Only through self-awareness do we obtain the most out of our miserable, far too short, very random, meaningless lives, Billy.”
Okay, so Socrates didn’t actually say that. Or maybe he did. It’s not like this is the Internet and you can research these things, can you? At any rate, the point is that these quizzes are a vital part of the human experience, and frankly we don’t know what we’d do without them. But there’s one quiz that hasn’t been written yet, a quiz that can truly shake our species to its core, and fundamentally change us for the better. A quiz that, once written and answered, will unlock secrets that we’ve been dying to know for eons.
How long is your dick?
Anyone can give us their dick length, but we want to harness the power of the Internet to divine the answer, and we’re going to get the answer from you only by asking you three very simple questions. Once we’re done, we’ll input your answers into our patent pending algorithm, and be able to guess, we believe, the length of your dong within a centimeter. So sit back, answer these questions, and then be marveled at our ability to guess the length of your penis.
Can We Guess Your Dick Length From These Questions About Your Dick?
Question #1. How long is your dick in inches?
Question #2: How long is your dick in meters in case you live in Europe or Canada (which is p. much North American Europe)?
Question #3: How long is your dick in either inches or meters?
RESULTS: Based on your answers, we believe we can predict with near 100% accuracy that your penis is approximately 0-Infinity Inches/Meters long. You are very welcome, Capt. Huge Wang/Col. Tiny Weeny.
Dad’s Jokes Might Be Better If He Had Time To Hit Open Mics Instead Of Working Two Jobs To Support You Fuckin’ Ingrates
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.