WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump announced that he has directed the Food and Drug Administration to create a new, special post and he intends to fill it with nutritionist David “Avocado” Wolfe. Trump has cozied up to people with non-traditional views of medicine in the past, seeming to endorse an anti-vaccine message at points. The president said it is in that same spirit that Mr. Avocado’s name first came up for this new position.
“Today, I’m directing the FDA to create the post of High Wizard Chieftan of Raw Foods and Woo,” Trump said proudly, “and none other than the most famous, most brilliant, most scientifically literate mind of our times will be filling it — Mr. David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe.”
Wolfe, whose Facebook posts and memes are popular among those who look for all-natural, homeopathic remedies for things that western medicine have developed reliable treatments for, has said that he is “honored and delighted” to be given this opportunity. He said that he hopes to bring an “all-natural, GMO and chemical free” approach to the job, and that his first mission will be to get everyone at the FDA eating only organic plankton and non-processed kale.
“That will activate everyone’s power zones, which of course are a totally real, medical thing,” Wolfe explained, “and that will let us take a much cleaner, safer, all-natural approach to food and drug regulation.”
Mr. Wolfe indicated that he’d like to see some changes implemented in terms of how new drugs are tested and put onto the market.
“Namely,” Wolfe said, “I’d like to stop putting new drugs on the market and instead replace them with various hemp seed oils, leafy greens, and plenty of Vitamin D. Also, maybe just juice cleanses. Has anyone thought of giving cancer patients a juice cleanse? I bet we could do a lot of good if we stop with all the chemical medicines and get back to nature’s way of having us die of natural causes at 28.”
Chocolate will be immediately approved to treat rabies, Wolfe said, as it is an “octave of sun energy” in his view. He will also help fast track the use of crystals instead of Tylenol or ibuprofen for treatment of pain. Mr. Avocado says that he also plans to have the traditional five food groups updated to, “Powerful, Wootastic, Cleansing, Healing, and SuperDuper.”
“I will not rest until we have pseudo-scientifically proven that drinking bark root and doing rain dance every day will keep cancer and AIDS from spreading,” Wolfe said, “and this is an opportunity we cannot waste to do just exactly that. Namaste.”