WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump was witnessed by several people in his administration bravely charging into a screening room that was showing a screening of the 1988 classic action film, “Die Hard.” The film stars Bruce Willis as a New York cop who goes out Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife during the holidays, only to find himself at the center of a terrorist plot to take over the skyscraper his wife works in, ultimately stopping the attack almost single handed.
“OUTTA MY WAY! GET OUT OF MY WAY,” Trump was heard shouting to no one in particular. The president was tugging and pulling at the screening room door, but couldn’t quite open it.
No one we spoke to was able to confirm why the president wasn’t told about the “Die Hard” screening today. However, General John Kelly, Trump’s chief of staff, quickly informed him of the details. Certain staff members were watching the film get ideas on how to best combat school shootings. Ben Carson suggested that Trump’s cabinet watch the film and take notes, saying there was sure to be a “good idea or two in there somewhere,” and they all agreed since the film contained guns and gun violence.
“I HAVE TO GET IN THERE! I JUST HAVE TO BE A LEADER,” Trump shouted some more. “LET YOUR LEADER IN, PEOPLE!”
A White House aide was quickly dispatched to the president’s location. Keys were brandished, and soon the screening door was unlocked. Trump flung the door open, sources say, and demanded that the film be paused long enough for him to procure popcorn, soda, nachos, six Big Macs, and a corn dog from the White House kitchen staff.
“JUST MY USUAL MOVIE TIME SNACK,” Trump kept shouting at everyone in the room.
Within a few minutes, Trump’s food order had arrived. He began hastily forcing food down his gullet. He pointed a stubby finger at the movie screen, and told the group to “proceed.” The White House staff resumed playing of the movie.
For a few minutes, everything went normally. The staff watched “Die Hard,” and Trump sat there, eating his food. Then, around ten minutes into the film, a scene in which two terrorists enter the lobby of the skyscraper and one of them shoots the security team member at the desk in front of the elevators came on. As soon as the terrorist fired the handgun, Trump leaped up out of his seat and ran out of the screening room, screaming his head off.
“HOLY SHIT GET ME OUTTA THERE,” Trump was heard shouting. “THEY’RE SHOOTING, THEY’RE SHOOTING IN THERE! HOLY FUCK SOMEONE IS SHOOTING IN THERE! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME AHEAD OF TIME OF THE GUNFIRE! IT SCARED ME! GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE”
Trump ran down the hallway, pushing people out of his way, and jumped right through a big window in the Oval Office, out onto the White House lawn. The Secret Service is reporting at this hour that the president is in shaken, but stable condition, and that a night of pussy grabbing, Fox News, and farting under the covers should restore his spirits.