Dana Loesch Not Sure She Wants To Be The NRA’s Spokesterrorist Anymore

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Many Americans might have gotten the sense in the last fifteen years or so that weekly, if not daily, incidents of gunfire in public schools are a routine part of life in the United States. However, in the wake of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, there does seem to be a bit of a cultural attitude shift on gun violence, particularly on school campuses, and the sea change is being led by a group of tenacious survivors of that Valentine’s Day massacre.

In the days since the shooting, many of trained their critical eye on the National Rifle Association. For years, the NRA has blocked any and all efforts to enact laws that seek to curtail access to firearms for certain individuals deemed unsafe to possess them. The Parkland survivors have been particularly critical of the NRA, and during a televised townhall meeting on CNN, they had a chance to confront someone who the gun lobby group hires to be their public face, Dana Loesch.

But word from those closes to Ms. Loesch say she is growing weary of her role with the NRA, and may be actively recruiting her successor.

“I don’t think I want to scare white gun huggers into buying more guns anymore,” Loesch reportedly told her close friends and colleagues at an emergency meeting of the NRA’s board this past weekend. “It might be time for you guys to find a new spokesterrorist.”

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Loesch has risen to some notoriety as the face of NRA commercials that paint America in a polarized state that will soon give rise to a dystopian hellscape of lawlessness.

“I had no idea how unpopular I’d be just because I make hundreds of thousands of dollars convincing people that dead children are an acceptable price to pay for liberty and freedom,” Loesch said. “I’m tired of being dragged all over the Internet by high schoolers with more courage and common sense than I’ll ever have!”

The commercials have been so rife with threatening rhetoric that critics have called them not much more than extremely thinly veiled threats. The implication Ms. Loesch makes in the videos is that there may come a time when the NRA, a group that boasts about five million members — compared to the 330 million currently living in the U.S. — to rise up and take up arms against liberals and progressives before they take away the Second Amendment.

“At first, the paychecks helped me drown out the cries of school children who had been shot by semiautomatic rifles, the bullets tumbling around in their little bodies, ripping them into Swiss cheese,” Loesch said. “But, man, I’ll tell you guys what, blood money does not cure insomnia like it once did. I used to think it was a noble thing I was doing, helping get guns into the hands of every violent sociopath imaginable, but now? Now I’m just not sure, guys.”

Reportedly, the NRA’s board did not take Loesch’s request very well.

“Wayne LaPierre was screaming so loudly, for so long, that the little spittle pools that are always forming in the corners of his mouth literally caught fire,” one person in the room told us. “And Grover Norquist just started crying big fat tears and they completely ruined the ink drawing he was doing of Calvin Coolidge for his tramp stamp he’s getting next week.”

The NRA and Ms. Loesch could not be reached for comment.

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More Satire:

Adults Demand Teenagers Stop Effectively Demonstrating How Much They Failed To Protect Their Kids


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