COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is a die hard Donald Trump supporter, and he even has a tattoo on his right buttock that declares him as such. Bohiggins hosts a popular right-wing podcast and YouTube channel called “Completely and Utterly Biased,” and this morning he told his audience that as much as he believes “Trump is almost incapable of doing anything remotely wrong, unlike that idiot Obummer,” he thinks that in light of the recent tragedy in Parkland, Florida that the Trump administration made a “tactical error” when they compiled their list of Muslim-majority locations that are on a travel restriction list that bars them from entering the country.
“Clearly, now that we have had a couple days to reflect, Florida absolutely needs to be added to the Muslim ban list,” Bohiggins said. “It’s a shame it wasn’t on there before, but clearly adding it now will keep any more acts of terror or mass killings in the state from ever happening. Which is the entire point of the Muslim ban, of course.”
The shooter in Parkland was not a Muslim, and at least according to accounts from his fellow former classmates, some of whom he murdered in cold blood in one of the worst mass shootings at a school in America’s history, he was a devout supporter of Trump’s, just like Jethro. Bohiggins says that fact does not matter.
“Clearly this guy was a mass murdering terrorist,” Bohiggins said. “And since we know the only way to stop terrorist acts from being perpetrated here is through a Muslim ban. Well, that and drone strikes and making war in the Middle East, killing civilians all along the way. But that’s secondary to the Muslim ban, of course.”
Jethro is incensed at the idea that some Americans have that some gun law reforms might also help stem the tide of school shootings. He says that “surrendering even an inch of liberty” in the face of a tragedy is “the stuff of cucks and anti-American gun grabbing libtards.”
“Sure, they tell you they just want to keep the guns out of the pyschopaths’ hands,” Bohiggins said. “But who gets to decide who is a psychopath? Doctors with so-called medical training? Feh! One man’s patriot is another man’s dangerously deluded, conspiracy theory swilling, gun toting, ammo hoarding, psychopath. So, no thanks, libs, I’ll keep my guns, you keep your hope and change.”
Mr. Bohiggins will not entertain arguments that Muslim bans are un-American.
“Freedom of religion really only applies to Christians, since Christians started this country, and Christian slave owners helped make the economy strong enough for the Tyrant Lincoln to overtake us, wage his war of aggression, and then, wait. What was I saying,” Bohiggins rambled. “Oh, right, I don’t care that this country was founded by people fleeing religious persecution, that’s the only damn way to stop terrorism!”