NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Yesterday, the official portraits of former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama were revealed at the National Portrait Gallery. By and large the response to the paintings has been positive, with many noting this was the first time African American artists were commissioned to work for the gallery. However, some conservatives, among them Fox News host Sean Hannity, couldn’t contain their outrage over the painting.
Hannity tweeted and then deleted a story from his website, detailing what he called a “secret sperm” in Obama’s portrait. Hannity and others said the painting contained veiled “sexual innuendo” and he was disgusted by it. It’s unclear what made Hannity subsequently delete the tweet, but sources close to the media personality say that at this very moment, he is still staring at it, and hasn’t broken his gaze in eighteen solid hours.
“My God, just look at that Commie Sharia loving secret Muslim slave of Saul Alinksy’s ghost! He’s just haunting,” Hannity reportedly told friends as he sat at his desk, eyes just inches from his computer monitor, staring at an image of Obama’s portrait. “You can just see the evil socialism in his eyes, but you can also see something I never could figure out the whole time he was trying to subvert our democracy and take In God We Trust off our currency.”
Hannity said to friends and colleagues that he used to hate that he thought Obama was “trying to take America down” but now he just wishes he could go down on Obama.
“Wait. What did I just say? I mean, um,” Hannity stammered. “I want to touch his enormous hands, and hold them in mine. I want to bathe in the pools of serenity that are his eyes. And I want to ask that Muslim Brotherhood loving communist if he wants to go get a malt or ballroom dancing, or a motel room, or you know, whatever.”
It’s unclear at this time if Hannity will be doing either his radio show or his Fox News show for the rest of the week. Reportedly, he’s told those close to him that he plans on spending as much as time as possible studying the Obama portrait.
“I want to get as deep into Obama as I can,” Hannity declared. “And if that means getting cozy with this painting and a couple boxes of Pinot Gris, that goddamn it, that’s what I’m going to do. I mean, who can blame me? Just look at that face. That demonic, America hating, sexy as fuck face.”
A flustered and flushed Hannity was last seen headed to the bathroom at the Fox News headquarters, his iPad in hand.
“Hold all my calls,” Hannity was heard shouting as he ran into the men’s room.
This story is developing.